


Lacuna

by amithia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Asexual Spectrum, Demisexual Arthur, Demisexuality, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Virgin Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amithia/pseuds/amithia
Summary: “For what it’s worth, I truly believe there’s someone out there who’s right for you. I believe there’s someone for everyone.”This time, Arthur let the tears spill over. “You mean that?”“I do.” And God, Arthur believed him.He found himself wishing, once again, that he were like everyone else.And as surprising as it was, he found himself wishing that Merlin was his person.But Arthur wasn’t like everyone else. And Merlin wasn’t his person.*Lacuna(n.) a blank space, a missing part
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 180
Kudos: 300





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, guys, this one is... a tad complicated. I wasn't sure how to tag it so I'm giving you a bit more input here but before that, I want to send a huge thank you to my beta [ mother_of_lions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_of_lions), who not only made this fic more comprehandable but also helped me decide on how I want this to develop. <3
> 
>  **Warning:** Mildly dubious consent (only the first chapter - kissing and touching, clothes never come off) - yes, it's between Arthur and Merlin **because** Arthur is confused (regarding his sexuality) and in combination with being pressured by his friends, this is a recipe for a disaster.  
> Okay, so it's not completely a diaster but the first chapter is definitelly mostly angst. It will only get better from now on and yes, of course Merthur is the endgame :) 
> 
> Let me know how you feel about it and whether I should add more tags/warnings. <3
> 
> P.S. The M rating doesn't apply to the first chapter. It's rather Teen and audiences, in case you were wondering.
> 
> P.S.S. I'm aware that everyone is perfectly capable of using google, but just in case you're feeling lazy and haven't heard of demisexuality before, here you go:
> 
> Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed

“Tall, dark, and handsome at 2 o’clock.” Gwaine jerked his head in the direction, the movement making his hair sway in such a way Arthur was sure he must have practised it.

Tentatively, he turned to the side to peak inconspicuously over his left shoulder. “Where?”

“You’re looking at him!”

“Right now I’m looking at two dozen people, at least,” Arthur grumbled impatiently as he scanned the crowd of men dancing and drinking.

“Oh, shit. Now he’s looking at you, too!”

“What?” Arthur stiffened. He thought he was being subtle, dammit!

“Gwaine’s right, he’s looking here,” Leon confirmed with discomfort, clearly wishing he were anywhere but there.

So did Arthur, actually.

“I can’t see him.”

“Are you fucking blind? He’s basically undressing you with his eyes from across the club! He’s just- oh, shit. He’s coming here!”

“What?” Arthur repeated, voice suddenly high-pitched, and flicked his gaze over the club in panic.

_Calm down, Arthur. Maybe the guy hasn’t even been looking at you. He might have been looking at Gwaine, or Leon, or_ _even_ _Lance._

And out of nowhere, a tall, slender man appeared less then five feet away from their table, and... damn, he _was_ staring at _Arthur._

“Well, damn,” Gwaine not-really whispered behind him, letting out a whistle.

“Hi,” the man said gravelly, taking a step closer.

Arthur visibly pulled back as much as he could in his position.

“Hey,” everyone replied in unison; everyone, except Arthur.

“Arthur!” Gwaine scolded with a pinch to Arthur‘s side, nearly making him jump.

“Ouch!” he complained, glaring daggers at his insufferable friend. It did help though, the stinging sensation shaking Arthur out of his stupor.

“Hi,” he said, very interested in inspecting the man’s shoes.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting,” the man continued, “but I was hoping I could steal your friend here for a dance.” Arthur snapped his head up, eyes wide as they found the man already looking at him. He gave Arthur a close-mouthed smile. “If you’d be amenable?”

“I...” he started without knowing where he was going with it. Shit. Fuck Gwaine and his stupid ideas. Fuck him for making Arthur feel like he needed fixing.

Arthur was a virgin - okay, a 22 years old virgin if you insist on details. A virgin, not a crazy person, for crying out loud! There was nothing wrong with him, he just... he wasn’t interested, okay? He had more important matters on his mind than losing his V-card.

“He is very much amenable! Aren’t you, Arthur?” Gwaine elbowed him none-too-gently between his ribs, earning another searing glare. Not that it ever succeeded in phasing him.

The man laughed at the exchange, throwing his head back. “I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I’d rather hear it from you... Arthur.” He held out his right hand. “I’m Merlin.”

“Yeah, uh... nice to meet you, Merlin,” Arthur humored him, shaking his hand briefly, but hopefully not too briefly to be considered rude. Merlin was looking at him expectantly, obviously waiting for an answer.

Shit. If Arthur said no, he would never hear the end of it. Whatever, the world wasn’t gonna end if he danced with the guy - Merlin - a little. He could always come back and tell his friends he didn’t feel ready for anything else.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, hoping his voice didn’t shake too much. He heard Leon and Lance exhale next to him, but then Gwaine dropped a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Attaboy!” he screamed into his ear. “Go have some fun, my friend!” He all but pushed Arthur out of his chair, sending him stumbling. Arthur was preparing a series of choice words, but Merlin grasped his elbow gently, steering Arthur‘s attention back to himself. He smiled at Arthur in a way that Arthur thought was supposed to be comforting. Sadly, it didn’t do anything for him at all.

Merlin led him through the crowd expertly, as though he’d done it countless times, until they were hidden from the prying eyes of Arthur’s friends. Merlin did a 180, coming face to face with Arthur and pulling him closer by his waist. Arthur let out a little squeal.

“Sorry! I should have asked if I could touch you like that,” Merlin apologized with shame, sending Arthur on a guilt-trip right away.

“No, it’s fine, I just... I’m ticklish,” he lied, doing his best to hide his discomfort from having a stranger’s hands on his body.

“Oh, okay,” Merlin replied, relaxing. “Can I put my hands a bit higher then?”

“Sure,” Arthur agreed again, cursing at himself for not being able to voice his thoughts.

True to his word, Merlin moved his hands higher, resting them just under Arthur’s shoulder blades. It didn’t make much difference in terms of helping Arthur relax, but he appreciated the gesture.

“You can put your hands around my neck,” Merlin instructed patiently and, although hesitant, Arthur obliged, thinking that if he couldn’t say exactly how he felt, he could at least follow instructions from someone who had his shit together. Merlin was the same height, maybe an inch taller, which made things a little easier.

Arthur looked around, finding most of the men on the dance-floor all but wrapped around each other, grinding and groping. And here he was, standing in the middle of that, pretty much getting ready to slow-dance with a guy he’d never seen before.

_Fuck my life._

“Arthur? Are you okay?” Merlin asked with furrowed brows. “You seem really nervous.”

“Sorry, I... yes, I’m fine. It’s just... this is not my usual scene.”

“Dancing?”

 _Among other things_. “Yeah,” he replied non-committally. _Yeah, dancing. And gay clubs. Hell, clubs in general._

“Am I right to assume that your friends dragged you here?” Merlin commented with a smirk.

“It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” Arthur laughed self-deprecatingly. “I’m such a push-over sometimes.”

And it was true. This was hardly the first time he let himself be pressured into something like this. Arthur regretted the day he’d confessed to his friends about his sex life; or rather the lack there-of.

It’s not as though he had been laughed at, not at all. But he had been met with disbelieving expressions and, to his outrage, pity.

After that, everyone had become invested in making sure Arthur popped his cherry as soon as possible. No one had thought it would be a hardship; Arthur could have his fair pick of lovers if he wanted, and everyone knew it. Finding willing partners would never be an issue.

No. Arthur’s brain was the issue.

So, after a number of failed attempts to get him to hook up with girls he’d never met before - and some he had known from school but never talked to - his friends had teamed up to confront him about it.

“What’s your problem, mate?” Percy had asked.

“I just didn’t feel like it, okay,” Arthur had defended, turning red in the face.

“Oh? Which time?” had come the sarcastic reply.

“All of them,” Arthur had muttered sheepishly. “I just didn’t enjoy it.”

“Which part?”

“All of it!”

“Arthur, what’s the problem here?” Leon had joined in, although not as obnoxious. “I feel like an ass for saying it so bluntly but... girls are literally falling at your feet. You could have anyone you want. And come on - Sophia? Vivian? Mithian? Nimueh? None of them were good enough for you?”

Arthur couldn’t have possibly told them that he had nearly recoiled every time those girls had put their hands on him, or kissed him. They had mostly been just a press of lips, or a flick of a tongue, but it had sent Arthur reeling with barely concealed revulsion.

No, he couldn’t have said that, so he had merely shrugged.

“Arthur?” Lance had tried, a bit more gently. “Do you even like girls?”

All eyes had been on him, then - not that they hadn’t before - as if seeing him in a new light.

“I... don’t know?”

Silence had followed for a minute, Gwaine’s boisterous voice breaking through it. “Well, princess, it’s time for you to find out. For all of us to find out!”

And that’s how Arthur had ended up in a gay club.

The only comforting thing was he wasn’t the only one less than enthused by the prospect. Actually, Gwaine was the only one who _was_ enthused by the prospect, being more than flexible when it came to his choice of suitable lovers. Leon and Lance had only agreed as to support Arthur emotionally - that’s what he suspected anyway. Percy, conveniently, had _a thing_ to attend to so he couldn’t join them. Honestly, Arthur didn’t blame him at all.

The song changed and Arthur found himself suddenly chest to chest with Merlin, almost sharing the same breath. It sent his heart beating like crazy, and not in a good way.

“Arthur,” Merlin said darkly into the space between them. “You’re so bloody hot.”

Arthur frowned, closing his eyes and biting his lip to fight the knot that had started forming in his stomach. _Not this shit again._

When he opened his eyes, he found Merlin watching him with the same heat that laced his words. Arthur swallowed over the lump in his throat.

Apparently, Merlin must have taken his reaction for an attempt to tame a wave of lust or something because his hand came up to grasp Arthur by the neck and he leaned in for a kiss. Arthur made a shocked _hmpf_ sound in his throat at the foreign feeling of a man’s mouth against his, different to a woman’s, but not really.

Thankfully, Merlin kept the kiss chaste, just a press of his dry, full lips, but Arthur could still hear the blood rushing in his ears, panic rising when Merlin didn’t pull away quick enough.

It wasn’t... bad, per say. Merlin wasn’t trying to reach Arthur’s tonsils with his tongue, thrusting it past his lips like a crazy person - yeah, Vivian, talking about you - but it wasn’t necessarily good either. It wasn’t... anything, really.

But Merlin smelled good, Arthur noticed. His masculine, woodsy scent so different compared to the floral, sweet one Arthur had come to associate with women. His hands were large and warm on Arthur’s body, not forceful, but sure.

Arthur wasn’t ecstatic about the development, but it could have been worse.

Finally, Merlin pulled away, his eyelashes fluttering as he batted his eyes open only to give Arthur a dopey smile.

“I apologize in advance if this is way too forward and way too soon but... would you like to get out of here?”

Arthur was sure he was having a mini-stroke. That’s what it felt like, given that his brain short-circuited in that moment and his whole system went into fight-or-flight mode.

He stared at Merlin, mouth agape and eyes like saucers, stuttering through his reply, hoping to sound as gentle as he could while he voiced his rejection.

Unhelpfully, Arthur‘s brain chose to turn on then, supplying him with scenario after scenario of having to explain himself to his friends - again - and receiving a series of disapproving head-shakes from each of them.

Groaning internally, he swept his eyes over Merlin, head to toe.

Merlin was... he was... fine, Arthur thought. He looked like a normal bloke; even if his ears were a tad too big and cheekbones too sharp. He could put some more meat on his bones as well, but Arthur supposed that was just his body type. Not everyone could develop muscles easily.

But all in all, Merlin was fine. He had pretty eyes and a nice smile. He seemed genuinely besotted with Arthur, judging by the amount of black that had overtaken his irises - especially after that kiss - and the way he kept looking at him, refusing to take his hands off Arthur. Merlin was confident but respectful, waiting patiently for Arthur to make up his mind.

Yeah, Arthur could do much worse. If anything, he already liked Merlin more than any of the girls that had been thrown at him. Or rather - disliked being touched by him a lot less than any of those girls.

“Okay,” Arthur finally replied, hardly believing himself.

_God, I’m so gonna regret this._

“Great!” Merlin beamed at him, his smile so wide it nearly split his face in half. On one hand, Arthur felt humbled by the genuine happiness he caused in the man, and on the other he was incredibly guilty for giving him the impression he might have wanted this more than he actually did which was not at all. “Shall I call us an Uber, then? Would you rather we go to yours or mine?”

Focusing on breathing evenly, as difficult as it was, Arthur replied, “Mine.” If he had to shag a stranger, there was no way he would do it in the stranger’s house. He’s not crazy.

_I’m a little crazy._

“Alright, can you type your address here?” Merlin had already pulled his phone from the back-pocket of his jeans and was handing it over to Arthur. Arthur took the device with shaky fingers, praying that Merlin would think it was either from the alcohol or excitement, and gave it back when the confirmation that an Uber was on its way popped up.

“I’m just... my friends, they...” Arthur stuttered, his mouth like a desert.

“Of course!” Merlin understood what he was trying to say, ushering Arthur back to the table where Merlin picked him up. “I’m going to wait outside, yeah?” he said to Arthur, turning to the others when Arthur nodded mutely. “It was nice to meet you, guys. Enjoy the rest of the night.”

Everyone stared in shock at Merlin’s retreating form, and then Gwaine called, “You have a nice night, mate!” He looked at Arthur, smiling like a mad-man; so no difference, really. “Fuck me sideways, you did it! Ladies, our boy is turning into a man today!”

That did nothing to wipe the shocked expressions from Lance and Leon’s faces, but they did their best to be supportive.

“Good on you, Arthur,” Leon commented encouragingly, even though he sounded a bit stiff.

“You’re going home with him?” Lance asked, clearly worried.

Arthur sighed resignedly. “Yeah. We’re going to mine.”

“Call us when he leaves so we know you’re alright, yeah?” Lance pushed, giving him a meaningful look which did nothing to ease Arthur’s nerves.

“Yeah, okay,” Arthur agreed tiredly, and started walking towards the exit like a man heading to gallows.

“Wait!” Gwaine sprung up from his seat, digging into his wallet and pressing a condom into Arthur’s hand. “No glove no love, princess. Them’s the rules,” he exclaimed joyously, making Arthur scream internally. He took the condom and started walking briskly away from Gwaine before Arthur could scream outloud too.

Arthur took a lungful of air when he got outside, but it didn’t help release the invisible vice squeezing around his windpipe.

“Arthur! The Uber’s here,” Merlin called, waving at Arthur from where he was standing by a black car with an Uber logo.

Arthur took one last, shuddering breath, and forced himself to move before he could change his mind.

* * *

“This is me,” Arthur said unnecessarily when he managed to unlock the door on the sixth try, silently admiring Merlin’s unwavering patience.

Arthur toed off his shoes, Merlin doing the same and following Arthur deeper into the apartment, to the kitchen.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Arthur asked, turning to Merlin without looking directly at him.

Merlin didn’t answer right away, but eventually said, “Water would be nice.”

Arthur busied himself with finding two glasses and filling them up with filtered water he kept in the fridge. He walked over to Merlin, holding one glass out to him.

“Thank you,” Merlin said, then chuckled. “Tap water would be fine, though. You don’t have to seduce me with fancy stuff.”

The mirth in his voice was obvious, and it sent Arthur into a frenzy. “It’s nothing fancy. I just keep it in the fridge because it’s nice to drink something really cold in the summer.”

Arthur chanced a look at Merlin, which was a mistake. There was no doubt that Merlin was up to something, judging by the wicked grin aimed at Arthur. “If you’re feeling hot under the collar, Arthur,” he started in low voice, “I might be able to help you cool down.”

Merlin took a few steps towards where Arthur was leaning against the counter and doing his best not to faint from all the blood rushing to his face, and closed the distance between them. Merlin put the glass on the counter behind Arthur, bracing his hands against the edge. “Although it might get even hotter in the beginning.”

Before Arthur could reply, Merlin was kissing him again, more insistent this time. Arthur whimpered at the contact, both from surprise and the feeling of Merlin’s body pressed against him,

“Will you show me your bedroom, Arthur?” Merlin whispered against his lips, his breath ghosting over them, and Arthur nodded in assent. That’s why he’d brought Merlin here, wasn’t it?

Merlin pulled back to allow Arthur squeeze past, and trailed behind him.

“You know,” Merlin said once in the bedroom, smoothing his hands down Arthur’s partially exposed arms. “You don’t have to be so nervous. I don’t bite.” Merlin smiled reassuringly. At least, that’s what Arthur thought the smile meant.

“I know that,” Arthur answered with a quake in his voice, ducking his head shyly.

Merlin looked at him inquiringly, something a lot like realization flickering in his eyes. “First time with a guy?”

 _Among other things_ , Arthur thought hysterically. “Yeah.”

“Oh,” Arthur detected a split second of hesitation, but it was short-lived, passing so quickly he wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it. “It’s okay, Arthur. It doesn’t need to be scary. We can keep it super simple,” Merlin continued calmly. “I can make it good for you. Really, really good.”

A part of Arthur appreciated the eagerness Merlin expressed over the idea of making this good for him, and over the effort he put into making sure Arthur was comfortable.

The other, louder part of him was falling apart just at the idea of being with Merlin. In any way.

Even so, Arthur let Merlin kiss him again, and maybe it was the familiarity of it - now that Merlin had kissed him for the third time - but Arthur found the action almost soothing. Merlin’s lips were soft and gentle as they moved against him with purpose. Arthur didn’t find it mind-blowing, but he didn’t hate it either. There was something just a little magical about the tenderness Merlin had displayed so far and Arthur wished, more than a little bitter, that he were normal so he could truly appreciate it. Enjoy it, even.

Arthur didn’t realize Merlin had been walking him backwards, not until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he dropped onto it heavily. He blinked up at Merlin, disoriented, and found him raking his gaze fondly over Arthur, raising a hand and brushing his thumb over his cheek.

“Can you get on the bed for me, Arthur?”

“I’m on the bed,” he answered with a hitch in his breath. Merlin laughed softly.

“I meant, if you could shuffle backwards, until you’re resting against the pillows?”

The idea of getting horizontal, with Merlin hovering above him, nearly did it for Arthur. Sent him running for the hills. But Merlin’s thumb was brushing over his cheek and he kept looking at Arthur like he was precious, and Arthur didn’t really have it in himself to deny him.

Without a word, Arthur did as asked, hoisting himself up and shuffling back. Merlin’s face lit up, eyes sparkling even in the dim light of the room, and he slowly climbed on the bed after Arthur, walking on his hands and knees towards him. He brushed Arthur’s fringe off his forehead where a few, sweat-damp strands were sticking to it, and bent down to kiss him again.

This time it was different. Arthur felt the tip of his tongue flick tentatively against the seam of his lips. He took a gasping breath and Merlin, seizing the chance, took Arthur’s bottom lip between both of his, kissing him deeper than he had before.

Arthur’s panic had risen marginally, but thankfully, Merlin didn’t seem to be planning on plundering his mouth with his tongue, so he eventually relaxed into it again. Now that he thought about it, it wasn’t so different. It was just a bit wetter, and slicker, but that wasn’t too bad.

Arthur‘s barely-there composure went to shit when Merlin pulled away only to duck his head in favor of kissing over the salty skin of Arthur‘s throat, and under his jaw. No one’s ever touched - let alone kissed - Arthur there, and the unfamiliar sensation threw him off completely. It only got worse when Merlin trailed a hand up Arthur’s leg until he reached the hem of his tee and slipped under it, stroking over the soft skin of his hip.

Arthur made an unidentifiable noise and Merlin’s head shot up to check on him. “Sorry. Ticklish again?”

Too stunned to reply verbally, Arthur only managed a subtle nod.

“Sorry,” Merlin repeated and went back to mapping Arthur’s neck with his lips and the tip of his tongue, hot against Arthur’s already burning skin. Merlin removed his hand from under Arthur‘s t-shirt, choosing to stroke over Arthur’s jean-clad thigh instead. Merlin‘s touch was searing even through the layer of fabric.

Arthur started to relax again. Merlin alternated between kissing Arthur‘s neck and lips, hands never traveling further than up to his hips, and only over his clothes. That all went to hell when Merlin shifted on the bed and Arthur felt a brief, but definitely there sensation of Merlin’s hardness against the top of his thigh.

Arthur‘s body reacted before he did. He grasped Merlin’s wrist in a death grip, using the other hand to push against his chest.

Merlin winced a little at the vice-like grip, but mostly focused on Arthur’s face. “Arthur? What-”

“Don’t,” Arthur blurted, red-faced and ashamed. “I’m sorry but... don’t. Please.”

Immediately, Merlin rose above Arthur on his hands and knees. Arthur’s hand remained, squeezing Merlin’s wrist tightly. He released the hold with a blush, realizing he was probably cutting off Merlin’s circulation.

“Sorry.”

“Arthur, what happened? What did I do?” Merlin asked in panic, looking so shaken Arthur wanted to slap himself for putting that look on Merlin‘s face.

“You didn’t... you didn’t really do anything. It’s just... it’s me.”

Merlin looked skeptical. “Don’t do that, Arthur. Don’t downplay this to spare my feelings. I need to know what I did.”

“But you didn’t do anything! I swear, it’s me.” Arthur closed his eyes tightly, taking a few breaths to brace himself for the terrible words he was going to say next. “I’m... I’m just not attracted to you.”

Getting stabbed in the eyeball would hurt less than witnessing Merlin fall apart - in the most horrible way - in front of his eyes.

“Oh,” was the only thing Merlin said before he scrambled off and away from Arthur, stopping when he reached the foot of the bed. “Oh,” he said again, and Arthur had never hated himself more.

“I’m so sorry.” Arthur moved into a sitting position, praying that it sounded as earnest as he meant it. “I feel so terrible. This wasn’t meant to happen, I don’t.... God, I’m such a dick.” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes when he felt them burn. He couldn’t cry in front of his would-be hook-up, he wouldn’t!

“No. It’s me who’s sorry, Arthur,” came Merlin’s voice. He sounded defeated but his voice didn’t waver. “I should have noticed. You’ve been nervous since I asked you for a dance and I found it so stupidly cute that I didn’t stop to think what it might actually mean.” He laughed humorlessly. “I mean, it’s kinda obvious now. Just look at you, you’re,” he made a sweeping gesture over Arthur, and then over himself, “and I’m... this. God, I’m so out of your league it’s not even funny.”

“What?”

“I should go,” Merlin said, ignoring Arthur’s dumbstruck face. “I’m sorry for not paying attention. I should have known something was off, but selfishly I wanted to...” He laughed hollowly, then groaned. “Oh, God, I almost forced myself on you!”

“What? No!” Arthur shot up until he was sitting on his heels. “No, Merlin, that’s not... that’s not true. This is all my fault, I should have never said yes when I wasn’t sure. Should have never put myself, and you, in that position. I’m so sorry.” Shit. He was such a twat. The biggest asshole in the world. What the hell was he thinking?! “It’s not you, Merlin, I swear. I’m... I’m just really... confused. I don’t even know what I want.”

Merlin’s eyes softened ever so slightly at the tremble in Arthur’s voice. “It’s alright, Arthur. You don’t need to apologize. Let’s just forget this happened, yeah?” He hopped off of the bed and started walking to the door before Arthur had time to gather his bearings. He stopped on the threshold, turning his head a little but not looking at Arthur. “For what it’s worth, I hope you’ll find what you truly want.” He paused for a second, then spoke again. “Even if it’s not me.”

Arthur watched Merlin go, and listened to the sound of his footsteps as he reached the main door, and hastily put his shoes on. The door opened and promptly clicked shut behind him.

He knew he’d never fucked up so much in his life, and that he could never make up for it.

Arthur curled on his side and finally let the tears run loose.

Why couldn’t he just be normal?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say I'm totally blown away by the response this fic has gotten so far. I never would've guessed how many people there are, who feel the way I do. 
> 
> You're wonderful. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a huge thank you to [ mother_of_lions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_of_lions) for beta-ing. You're amazing<3

It had been almost a month since that disastrous night at the gay club. Or rather since the cluster-fuck that followed after. Arthur had been hoping he’d be able to forget all about it - the humiliation, the guilt. No such luck though. Maybe if he had drunk more. If, instead of curling himself into a ball and crying his eyes out, he chugged down the six-pack he kept in the fridge in case one of his friends came over. Maybe then it would be easier to erase the memories.

So no, he hadn’t forgotten a single minute of that night, but he had somehow managed to push it to the back of his mind. It wasn’t ideal, but it was the best he could do.

It didn’t help that his friends kept pestering him about spilling all the spicy details. That was mostly Arthur’s fault, to be honest. He could’ve told them the truth, after all. Instead, he had fabricated a stupid story about how he and Merlin had actually gone through with it.

Naturally, Arthur had forgotten about his promise to call and check in with his friends. So it should have come as no surprise that he had been woken up the following morning by furious banging on his door, which later revealed a disheveled Lance. If looks could kill, Arthur would have been a pile of dust right then and there.

“I thought I told you to call, you twat!” Lance had spat out, and Arthur could have sworn he’d seen smoke coming out of his ears.

“Huh?”

“Has he gone yet? I told you to call when he’s gone.”

“Oh.” Suddenly, the events of the previous night had come rushing back and Arthur had only barely managed to keep his composure. “Yeah, he’s gone. He didn’t stay the night.”

“Then I ask again: why didn’t you call?”

Right. “I fell asleep right after. Sorry.”

Lance had let out a tired sigh. “Figures.” He had looked at Arthur imploringly, cheeks tinted pink. “Was it good, then?”

Arthur didn’t know what had possessed him back then, whether it had been a desperate wish to pretend that last night hadn’t happened, or the unwillingness to explain himself without knowing where to start. After all, if he were to open himself up to someone, it would be Lance. Lance, who was loyal to a fault, non-judgmental, and understanding.

Despite that, Arthur had chosen to keep the truth to himself and simply said, “Yeah. It was good.”

He had hoped that would be the end of it. That maybe everyone would have just given him a break.

He had been promptly proven wrong when he had found himself at Leon’s that night, participating in their traditional Big Bang Theory marathon. He should have known everyone would be on him the second he had stepped in the door.

“Congrats, princess! You’ve come full circle now! Time to celebrate.”

“So it was good? Like _yeah, ok_ good or _holy shit, I_ _think I just died_ good?”

“So you’re into dick?”

“Who was the pitcher and who the catcher?”

It had been never-ending, but Arthur had managed to evade most of the questions with vague responses. It had mostly been Gwaine who had kept digging, to the point where even the rest of their small group had grimaced at his prying.

In the end, Gwaine had said, “No, really. Just tell us what you did. Just this once and then you’re off the hook.”

Arthur had weighted his options and eventually determined that since he had made it so far with his little lies, one more wouldn’t hurt. He had gone with the most believable, yet satisfactory, answer. “Fine. He gave me a head and I finished him off with my hand. Happy?”

“Very,” Gwaine had exclaimed, patted Arthur’s shoulder in a way that was meant to be encouraging but only succeeded to make him wish the ground would have opened up and swallowed him.

Yeah, that was about a month ago and Arthur’s life had gone back to normal. Even his friends had stopped nagging him, now that he had finally popped his cherry. Or so they thought.

Arthur should have expected there was a shoe just waiting to drop.

He was working his regular Friday shift in the cafe, and should have gone on his break ten minutes ago, but of course that was when the whole of London decided to come in at once. Gwen was pumping out coffee like a machine and Elyan was running around cleaning tables and taking the dishes to the back, while Arthur took orders on autopilot without even looking at the customers.

He didn’t know how many people he’d served, but the queue was slowly shrinking, until there were only a few people waiting to place their order.

“What are you having?” he asked when a new customer stepped to the counter. There was no response at first, which made Arthur look up in annoyance. His annoyance swiftly transformed into panic as he was met with familiar blue eyes.

“Uh... hi,” Merlin said sheepishly, eyes scanning over the cafe as though he was looking for an escape route.

Arthur could relate. “H-hey.”

An uncomfortable silence followed, the two of them just staring at each other, wide-eyed and lost.

Then came an impatient grunt from the customer next in the line. “Any time today, mate.”

That seemed to do the trick, as both of them snapped out of their staring match.

“Sorry,” Merlin said to the man and turned to Arthur. “Can I have a medium cap with one sugar?”

In trance, Arthur put the order through the till, not really paying attention.

It was as if no time had passed at all. Being faced with Merlin again, the memories came rushing back. The fact that Merlin seemed just as uncomfortable in Arthur’s presence didn’t help the matters at all.

“Sure,” Arthur croaked, looking anywhere but Merlin. “To drink here?”

“Take away, please.” It sounded strained, congruous with the face Merlin was making.

Even as Arthur became overwhelmed by all the emotions he had been trying to banish ever since they had met, he couldn’t help but want to make things right. And if not right, then at least clear. He needed to explain himself, no matter how difficult it would turn out to be. Not for his sake, but for Merlin’s.

Arthur knew close to nothing about him, but he did know that Merlin didn’t deserve what Arthur had done to him. Not that anybody would deserve that, but there was something about the man. Maybe it was the memory of how gentle he had been with Arthur, how patient and considerate. Whatever it was, it made the guilt almost unbearable.

“Are you in a hurry?” he heard himself say. Merlin’s lips parted on a surprised inhale.

“No, not really. Why?”

 _Come on, Arthur. You’re obviously getting a second chance to make this right. Don’t fuck it up._ “Would you mind staying for a bit, then? I’m about to go on my break, I’d like to talk to you.”

Merlin’s forehead creased in confusion, clearly uncomfortable with the idea. “Arthur, you don’t-”

“Please? I just need to say something. And then I’ll leave you be.” Great. A few sentences in and he was already begging, desperate.

And why did the fact that Merlin remembered his name make everything worse?

“Okay,” Merlin agreed, although he sounded the furthest thing from delighted.

Arthur exhaled in relief, already feeling a bit lighter. “Thank you.” He reached for a medium sized cup and wrote Merlin’s order on it, then handed it to Gwen. “I’ll bring it when it’s ready.”

“Oh. Okay, thanks,” Merlin said and fumbled with his phone, probably opening a payment app.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on me,” Arthur said in a rush, attempting a smile and most likely failing.

Merlin shook his head. “Arthur, that’s not nec-”

“I insist,” he said resolutely. “Go take a seat, I’ll be right over.” He was aware the sudden bossiness was probably just a cover for his rising panic, but it worked nonetheless. After some more intense staring, Merlin relented and resignedly heeded Arthur’s instructions. He whispered a soft _thank you_ as he turned around to find an available table.

Immediately, Arthur felt his body unlock from it’s rigid posture. He took the order from the next customer who had been tapping his foot impatiently during the whole exchange. Not that Arthur could blame him. He ignored the man’s disapproving glare and rang up the total. He served the last two people in the line, then turned to Gwen as he handed her the cups.

“Will you be okay if I go on my break?”

“Sure thing! You should have gone ages ago. I’m sorry you got stranded here.”

Arthur just shrugged. “Isn’t it always like that? I’ll get Elyan to cover for me.”

“Thanks. Do you want your coffee now?”

“That would be great. Thanks.”

“Your usual?”

“Yeah.” He spared a brief glance to the short line of cups. “Can you make it at the same time as the medium cap?”

“ I’m actually just finishing with that one.”

“Oh, okay.” He hesitated. “I know who it’s for. I’ll take it over to him.”

“Right.” Gwen said, suspecting. “I’ll get Elyan to bring your drink when it’s ready.”

“Thanks, Gwen.”

Gwen gave him Merlin’s coffee and Arthur took it with shaky fingers, praying she didn’t notice. He swept his gaze over the cafe, looking for Merlin, and found him tucked away at one of the tables by the window, looking as uncomfortable as Arthur felt.

Arthur took a deep breath and walked over to Merlin, taking the chair opposite him and sliding the coffee towards him. “Here.”

“Thank you,” Merlin replied and went to grab the cup. Their fingers brushed briefly and Arthur pulled away as if the contact burned him.

The hurt look on Merlin’s face only sent him deeper into his guilt-trip.

“Sorry,” he pressed out, swallowing over the lump in his throat. “This is really hard for me. I know I asked you to stay so we could talk, but you should know I’m not enjoying this any more than you do.”

“Arthur, I told you, you don’t have to-”

“But I do!” he protested, cringing at his desperate tone. “I do, Merlin. I owe you an explanation, I just don’t know where to start.”

“Arthur...”

“Just... bear with me, yeah?” He hoped he looked earnest enough.

“Okay. But before you say anything, you have to know that I’m not mad. I told you before, Arthur. I’m not upset with you.”

Arthur knew it was meant to be comforting, but it had the opposite effect. Merlin was too nice. Way too nice for his own good. And definitely way too nice for Arthur.

“But you should be. Because I’m upset with myself. What I did to you, Merlin, that was... God, I’m so sorry.” _Don’t you dare fucking cry right now! Jesus, Arthur, pull yourself together._

“Arthur,” Merlin leaned slightly forward, forearms resting on the table. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay!” Arthur winced at the volume of his voice, shoulders slumping with embarrassment. “It’s so not okay, Merlin.”

Merlin was ready to say something else, but Elyan chose that moment to bring Arthur his coffee.

“You’re not having lunch?” he asked as he placed the mug in front of Arthur.

“Not hungry,” Arthur replied dismissively, then softer, “Thank you, Elyan.”

“Sure.”

Once more they were alone and Arthur noticed Merlin hadn’t taken his eyes off him the whole time. “I suppose there’s no point in me trying to convince you of the opposite...”

“There’s not.”

“...so I’m gonna shut up now and let you say what you need to say,” he gave Arthur a tight smile. “Take your time.”

Grateful beyond measure, Arthur felt tears prickling in the corners of his eyes and he blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. “Thank you,” he slumped into the chair and took a sip of his coffee, cradling the mug between his palms to ground himself. “You would have noticed by now anyway, but you should know that I’m a mess.”

Merlin reacted right away. “Sorry, I know I said I would shut up, but I have to say this. It’s okay to be a mess, Arthur. I remember how hard it was to come to terms with being gay. It took a long time and I made a lot of mistakes, but they were necessary so I could find who I really was. And I remember my first time with a guy and how scary it was. I understand that you-”

“Hold on.” Arthur held up a hand, feeling guilty for interrupting Merlin as he was sharing something so personal but he needed to explain himself better. “You think I had a gay panic?”

Merlin looked a bit lost, as though he thought it a trick question. “That’s what I assumed, yes.”

“Oh,” Arthur breathed. “Yeah, no. That’s... it’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Merlin grew even more confused, but instead of saying anything, he gave Arthur a subtle nod, prompting him to elaborate.

“Right,” Arthur huffed. “Okay. So... there’s really no other way to go about this so I’m just gonna say it as it is and hope that I’ll be able to take it further from there.” He inhaled deeply. “I’m a virgin.”

If Arthur weren’t so nervous, he would find the way Merlin’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets hilarious. “You are... a virgin,” Merlin repeated slowly. “Alright. That... makes sense.”

Arthur frowned. How did that make sense? Then he realized. “Wrong again.”

“What?”

“I didn’t panic because I’m a virgin. Well, not _exactly_ because of that.” Merlin didn’t seem to get any wiser so Arthur went on. “When I.... when I said that... _that thing_ to you,” he paused, shooting Merlin a meaningful look.

Something flickered in Merlin’s eyes. “When you said you weren’t attracted to me.”

It was said in an even tone of voice, Merlin not giving anything away, but Arthur winced all the same, crushing the mug in his hands.

“Yes, t-that,” he stuttered, squeezing his eyes shut. “I meant it when I said it’s not you, it’s me.”

“Arthur,” Merlin said, way softer than Arthur deserved. “It’s okay. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Sometimes, the spark is just not there. I won’t lie. I wish you had told me when we were still in the club, but I understand that you didn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

Fuck. Fuck Merlin for being so understanding and nice. Why couldn’t he just snap at Arthur?

“That’s it, though,” Arthur said through gritted teeth. “I’m not attracted to anyone.”

Merlin didn’t react to that, not right away. He looked at Arthur inquiringly, opened his mouth, and closed it. Then opened it again. “No guy, you mean.”

“No,” Arthur shook his head. “Anyone at all. Man or woman.”

“Oh,” Merlin said. “No one? Ever?”

“No. Well,” Arthur hesitated. “Not really? I mean, I’ve had crushes before. Just...” He trailed off.

Merlin leaned closer. “Just...?”

“They weren’t real people.”

Merlin seemed to think about that. “Are you talking like... anime characters?”

For the first time since he’d sat at the table, Arthur genuinely laughed. “No. No anime. I never really saw the appeal. I mean, like a movie or show character.”

“Alright,” Merlin replied, and Arthur detected a glint in his eyes. “If you don’t mind me asking, who exactly caught your attention?”

“Well, for the longest time I was pretty crazy about Xena. Don’t laugh, you dick!” Arthur squealed indignantly when Merlin burst into giggles.

“Sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry. “Well, I think everyone had a crush on Xena at some point.”

“But not you.”

“Obviously,” Merlin smirked. “I was more enamored with Hercules.”

“Of course you were,” Arthur mumbled and rolled his eyes.

“I suppose that means you were not?”

“No. He’s way too righteous for my liking.”

“Should’ve figured since you like Xena,” Merlin shot back. “Anyone else?”

Arthur took a minute to think. “Aragorn.”

Merlin’s eye sparkled, most likely at Arthur’s easy admission that he found both sexes appealing. “Aragorn, huh?”

Arthur felt himself flush. “Yeah.”

“I’m team Legolas.”

“You have a thing for blonds, don’t you?” Arthur smirked, then realized what he had said and quickly averted his gaze.

“I suppose I do,” Merlin replied quietly. “And you seem to have a thing for dark hair.”

Arthur blushed some more. “I don’t. Not really. I mean, I’ve seen other movies with those two and I didn’t like them. And I don’t care about the actors either. I just...”

“You just liked the characters,” Merlin finished for him.

“Yeah,” Arthur shook himself. “So yeah, I wanted you to know that what happened... it had nothing to do with you. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know what would have to happen for me to actually like someone. I just know that whenever I tried to... you know... with someone.” He made a vague gesture but Merlin seemed to understand. “I’d only tried with girls before... before you and... we didn’t even get up to anything. Just some kissing and touching a-and I...” His voice cracked the more he recalled his past experiences and to his chagrin, he felt bile rise in his throat.

“You hated it.”

“God, Merlin, I hated it so much. I can’t even... Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He abandoned the mug in favor of pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes as he started to tear up again.

“Hey, now. Hey,” Merlin said gently. “Listen to me, Arthur. There’s nothing wrong with you. _Nothing._ Just because you don’t feel sexually attracted to someone doesn’t make you wrong.”

“How can you say that? I can’t have people touch me without spiraling into a panic. How is that normal?”

“Let me ask you this. Did you like any of those girls you’ve tried with?”

“I told you I-”

“No, you said you weren’t attracted to them. That’s different. That’s not what I’m asking. I want to know if you _liked_ any of them.”

Finally, Arthur dropped his hands so he could look at Merlin. He didn’t understand the question. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Merlin smiled patiently. “That pretty much answers the question.”

“What? How?”

“Okay, let’s try it this way. Given a chance, would you want to spend time with any of those girls? Go on a date? On a trip? Watch movies with them?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, no. They were terrible.” Arthur visibly shuddered. “Except... Mithian was quite nice. She’s Gwen’s friend and she was actually the only one who didn’t call me names when I chickened out.”

“Okay. But did you like her?”

“I...” Arthur frowned. How would he know? They had never really talked before. “I don’t really know her.”

“Maybe that’s the problem.”

“What?”

“Ugh, maybe _problem_ is not the right word to use. But I can’t think of anything better.”

“So... what you’re saying is...”

“That you didn’t want to have sex with them, or me,” Arthur winced again, “because you didn’t like them. Us.”

“But... everyone else just... people have sex with people they don’t know.” What the fuck? That didn’t make any sense.

“You’re not everyone else,” Merlin smiled comfortingly. “You’re different.”

“I’m a freak.”

“Don’t say that,” Merlin scolded him, holding his gaze as he continued. “You’re not a freak. You’re different. And you’re not alone. There are so many people like you.”

Arthur scoffed incredulously. “Right. Then why don’t I know any?”

“How many people have you told what you just told me, Arthur?”

“No one.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I didn’t know how to.” Realization dawned on him just as the words were out of his mouth. His eyes, wide and full of wonder, snapped to Merlin’s.

Merlin just smirked in self-satisfaction. “You see what I mean, now?”

“I think so?” he said carefully. “You think there are others who are like me, and they, too, don’t know what’s going on with them?”

“Yeah,” Merlin confirmed. “Or they do know and decided they don’t want to explain themselves, so they don’t talk about it.”

“Oh.”

Could it be true? Were there others like him? Did they manage to live a normal life? Normal, healthy relationships? How the hell would one do that?

“I don’t believe it’s necessary to label yourself, but it’s true that having a name for who you are can help you find a sense of belonging,” Merlin spoke again. “I think you might be asexual. Or gray-sexual.”

Arthur had heard about asexuality, had a vague idea of its meaning but never paid it any mind. “What’s gray-sexual?”

“It’s a scale, if you will. Ranging between sexuality and asexuality.”

“I don’t get it. What would that look like?”

“It can be anything. You can be asexual and still have sex with someone because you enjoy the feeling. Or you can be asexual and find the mere idea of sex revolting.”

If anything, Arthur grew even more confused. “That... doesn’t sound right. I don’t think I’m like either of those.”

“Those were just examples. The scale is so large you could be anywhere on it. There are no rules, really. You can’t have rules for sexuality.” Merlin paused for a moment. He seemed to be deep in thought, biting his lip and watching Arthur with curiosity. “You could be demisexual.”

“Demisexual?” Merlin nodded. “What does that mean?”

“In short? You can’t have sex, or be intimate with someone, unless you like them. Or you can, but you will hate it.”

Arthur pondered the idea, none the wiser the more Merlin talked. “So basically... I couldn’t have sex until I was like... in love?”

Merlin shrugged non-committally. “That’s the gist of it.” Then more solemnly, “Ever been in love?”

Had he?

“No. I don’t think I have.” Jesus. How had he never thought of that? All of his friends pining after someone at some point, and there he had always been, watching them with confusion.

“It might be simpler than you think, Arthur. Maybe you don’t need to be in love. Maybe you just need to trust someone. To really like someone.”

“I like my friends,” he blurted automatically. “I’ve known them for years. I trust them. Doesn’t mean I wanna shag them.” He shook the thought away. Just... bleh.

“Are they the same friends who made you go to a gay club in hopes to find someone for you to shag?”

Arthur turned bright red. “They meant well.”

“I’m sure they did,” Merlin scoffed, obviously thinking the exact opposite.

“You don’t know them!” Arthur defended, feeling the need to stand up for his friends even though he knew Merlin was probably right.

Merlin raised his hands, a sign of peace. “I’m not saying they are bad friends. I’m just saying that there is more to it than that. From where I’m standing, they didn’t respect your boundaries. Did they even ask you if you wanted to go to the club?” Arthur remained silent. “How many times have they tried to hook you up with someone?”

“Does it matter?” he mumbled, ashamed, because he knew Merlin was right. “It’s not like I explained myself to them.”

“So they just assumed, right?” Merlin went on. “Out of curiosity, how did they react when you told them about what happened? With you and me.”

Arthur stiffened almost immediately and Merlin narrowed his eyes at him. “Arthur,” he said slowly. “What did you tell them?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“Arthur.”

“Merlin.”

For a minute, there was just silence, and then Merlin spoke again. “You told them we had sex, didn’t you.”

Arthur didn’t answer, but the tormented expression that settled on his face must have told Merlin everything.

“Jesus, Arthur,” Merlin groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What was I supposed to tell them?! That I took you to my place and then basically told you to fuck off?”

“That’s not what happened, Arthur.”

“Like it makes any difference.”

“It does,” Merlin sighed. “Arthur, if you really care about them, if you really want them to be your friends, you need to be honest with them.”

“It’s not that easy. How am I to explain something I don’t understand myself.”

“I think you’re starting to understand.”

“Yeah,” Arthur agreed reluctantly. “I might be. Just a little.”

“Need to start somewhere.”

Arthur looked at Merlin then, really looked at him. He had no idea why Merlin was being so nice to him. So understanding and patient. They weren’t even friends and yet, Merlin seemed invested in his well-being.

“Why are you like this?” he finally asked.

Merlin blinked at him. “Like what?”

“Why do you even care? I mean, yeah, I wanted to explain myself. I owed you that much. But you don’t have to try so hard to make me feel better.”

Merlin’s face softened further. “I’ve been there, Arthur. I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t fit anywhere. Like you need fixing. We might have different experiences, but we’re quite alike.”

“I... thank you. For this. And... for before.” Merlin cocked his head in question. “For not being mean about... when I told you...”

“I would never, Arthur.” Merlin sounded like he meant it. Arthur found he believed him.

“Just for the record,” he heard himself say. “I know I said I wasn’t attracted to you. And I... I did not want it. I didn’t want have sex with you. I didn’t really want you to touch me.”

“Okay?” Merlin was starting to get that kicked-puppy look again and Arthur rushed to finish what he meant to say.

“I didn’t want it but I didn’t hate it. Not like I did with those girls.” He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to let Merlin know. He just knew he couldn’t bear the idea of Merlin thinking Arthur had been disgusted by him, or by his touch.

His babbling probably didn’t make any sense but either way, it did erase that painful look from Merlin’s face. He might have smiled a little, too.

“Thanks for saying that,” Merlin said, and it sounded almost vulnerable. “I hate to think that I forced myself on you.”

“You didn’t-”

“I know. You said so before. But... still... it’s just...”

“Yeah.”

They sipped their coffees in silence and Arthur couldn’t stop thinking about the Pandora’s box Merlin just opened for him. There was one thought in particular that kept nagging him.

“Merlin?”

“Yeah?”

“What if... what if you’re wrong? What if I won’t be able to be with someone... like... _be_ with someone... even when I like them. What if I’m one of those people who can’t... who just can’t?” Arthur didn’t look at Merlin as he asked those questions, too afraid of what he might find. Eventually, he dared a glance.

It was the most tender Merlin had ever looked at him.

“Then that’s okay, too. I know it sounds tacky, but Arthur... there’s more to a relationship than sex.”

“What if it’s not just sex? What if I won’t be able to stand that person kissing me, or just... touching me?” Shit. What if that’s exactly who he was?

“Then your person will have to respect that. And never push you into something you don’t want. If they do, they’re not the right one for you.”

“But-”

“Arthur,” Merlin said more insistently, “Never, ever let anyone force you to do something you don’t truly want. There’s nothing wrong with you, and anyone who claims the opposite can go fuck themselves.” Arthur laughed, though it sounded a bit hysterical. “For what it’s worth, I truly believe there’s someone out there who’s right for you. I believe there’s someone for everyone.”

This time, Arthur let the tears spill over. “You mean that?”

“I do.” And God, Arthur believed him.

He found himself wishing, once again, that he were like everyone else.

And as surprising as it was, he found himself wishing that Merlin was his person.

But Arthur wasn't like everyone else. And Merlin wasn’t his person.

Arthur’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he startled.

“Sorry,” he said to Merlin, groaning when Morgana’s name flashed across the screen.

“What do you want?”

“ _Hello to you_ _,_ _too, little brother. How’s the shift?”_

“Fine. I’m on my break.”

“ _Good on you. Listen, we have a situation.”_

Arthur groaned again. He knew that tone. “What situation?”

“ _It seems it will be just you and Gwen tomorrow.”_

“What?! Are you kidding me?! It’s Saturday! We’ll get slammed the minute we open the door!”

“ _I know. But Elena just called. Her dad is in the hospital, so she’s going to Bristol to be with him for a while.”_

“I’m sorry to hear that but can’t you have someone cover for her?”

“ _Elyan is coaching on the weekend. You know that. And George is on a holiday. He won’t be back until Wednesday.”_

“Can’t you do the shift?”

“ _I have plans for the weekend.”_

“Well, then reschedule!”

_“Don’t be a baby, Arthur. It’s just one day. If I had someone to cover, I would get them on.”_

“Fine. Thanks for nothing.”

“ _Arthur-”_

He hung up before he could say something nasty.

Merlin snickered. “Is that a way to talk to your boss. I assume that was your boss.”

“That was my sister. And yes, unfortunately, I’m stuck working for her. I knew I was making a mistake when I agreed to take the job. It was either this or pizza delivery.” He rubbed at his eyes. “Should have gone with the fucking pizza.”

“I feel your pain. I used to work for my uncle. He owns a bookshop. The job was fairly easy, but God, I had never been bossed around so much in my life.”

“Working for relatives sucks big time.”

“It does.” Merlin tapped a finger against his chin. “What exactly is the issue? Staff shortage?”

“Yeah. The weekend is always full on. And it seems it will be just me and Gwen tomorrow.”

“I used to work in Starbucks. Maybe I could help? I’m pretty sure I remember how to make a decent cup of coffee. And I can clean the dishes.”

Arthur stared at him like Merlin had grown a second head. “You’re serious?”

“I mean, I know that Starbucks and independent businesses are vastly different, but maybe I could-”

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean it in a nasty way,” Arthur rushed to explain. “You wouldn’t mind?”

Merlin whipped up a bright smile. “It could be fun! Being a barista was probably my favorite part-time job when I still went to uni.”

That took Arthur by surprise. “You’re out of uni? How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

“What? I thought you were younger than me!”

Merlin laughed, not at all offended. “Thanks, I take it as a compliment. So, that makes you...?”

“Twenty-two.”

“Ah. Still a baby, then.”

“What?!”

“I’m joking.” Merlin waved his hand dismissively. “So... do you think I qualify?”

Oh. Right. “I think you’re perfect.” Merlin’s brows shot up at once, and Arthur sputtered through his next words. “I mean for the job!”

“Right,” Merlin said, clearing his throat. “I don’t need to be anywhere today so if you’re up for it, I could stay and you could show me the ropes?”

“That’s... probably a good idea.” Arthur nodded in agreement and pulled out his phone again. “I should call Morgana and let her know that-” He stopped abruptly. “You know what? I don’t need to do anything. It’s not like she cares,” he grumbled bitterly.

“I can feel the love between you,” Merlin commented humorously.

“She’s a bossy little shit.”

“Runs in the family?”

“Hey!”

“God, you’re so easy to wind up,” Merlin giggled and stood up. “Come on. Show me how it’s done here.”

“Now who’s bossy,” Arthur pointed out but it only made Merlin laugh harder.

“I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun.”

“Then you might be severely disappointed,” Arthur opposed and started walking to the counter. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

Arthur didn’t want to jinx it but maybe, just maybe, there was a silver lining to everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changing the chapter count because, as per usual, I got carried away lol


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a labor, I swear lol
> 
> Thank you [ mother_of_lions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_of_lions) for bearing with me and for editing. <3

Naturally, Gwen and Merlin got on like a house on fire. If Arthur didn’t know better, he’d think Gwen was flirting with Merlin, given all the praise she showered him with regarding his coffee making skills and customer service. And Merlin wasn’t even working yet! But since Arthur did know Gwen, he also knew it was just her being friendly.

The same couldn’t be said for Elyan.

“Who’s this guy?” Elyan whispered to Arthur, watching disapprovingly as his sister and Merlin laughed at yet another joke one of them cracked.

“He’s a... friend of a friend,” Arthur lied, avoiding Elyan’s gaze, which wasn’t that difficult to begin with, given how Elyan kept squinting at the pair.

“I don’t like him.”

“Why? You haven’t even talked to him.” Maybe Arthur didn’t know Merlin that well either, but he felt compelled to defend the man who so easily accepted and validated everything Arthur had shared with him.

“Just make sure he stays away from my sister.”

_Ah. So that’s why._

Arthur chuckled to himself, patting Elyan on the shoulder in a _very_ masculine manner. “Don’t get your knickers into a twist. Gwen is totally safe. She’s... well, _lacking_ certain parts Merlin is very fond of.”

“Oh,” Elyan said, and then it was like flipping a switch. In the end, Arthur was left by himself to man both the till and the machine while the other three made themselves comfortable at one of the tables and did a brilliant job of ignoring Arthur’s distress.

“Fucking figures.”

* * *

However, when Saturday rolled around, everything worked like clockwork. Since Arthur had been on the till the day before (well, actually, he had been everywhere, but who cared about details, right?), it was his turn to hide behind the machine and make coffee. Arthur liked those shifts the best. Honestly, any shift that didn’t require him to take orders and talk to people was a blessing. He’d rather spend the whole day cleaning tables and washing the dishes.

On the other hand, Merlin was positively vibrant with the opportunity to chat customers up. Arthur had noticed by now that Merlin had a way with words, and somehow, no matter who you were, you would get sucked right in.

As predicted, an ongoing stream of people came flowing into the shop since the door had opened. Usually, when this happened, everyone would start panicking immediately. It was no rarity that several orders would get messed up. Weekends were always crazy and nobody wanted to work them. And the people who had the misfortune to work them would usually end up shouting and bitching at each other, especially when mistakes happened.

But today was not one of those days.

Arthur didn’t know what magic was involved, but Merlin somehow managed to keep everyone happy and looked after. There hadn’t been a single complaint about the waiting time, nor orders. Customers had come in grumpy and tired, and left cheerful and beaming.

Arthur could get used to having Merlin around.

Only for the purpose of making his job bearable, of course.

Arthur was the first one to go on his break when the rush died down, so he made himself a coffee and grabbed a sandwich from the display, then went to take a seat. Gwen took over for him and when she was bringing a coffee to a customer, she stopped by Arthur’s table on her way back.

“I don’t know where you found him, but I _really_ wanna keep him,” she said conspiratorially. Arthur could almost see little hearts in her eyes.

“I’m sure Lance would be delighted to hear that.”

Gwen rolled her eyes at the jab, but Arthur could still see a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “Not what I meant, and you know it!” She slapped his arm. “We could use someone like him, you know.”

Yeah. Yeah, he knew. “Uh-huh.”

“Are you gonna ask him?”

“Ask him what?”

“If he’d like the job.” She paused. “Does he have one yet?”

Arthur frowned to himself. He had no idea. Hell, he barely knew Merlin at all. “I don’t know.” He cleared his throat and took another bite of his sandwich. “I don’t really know him that well. We just met.”

Gwen studied him with confusion and cocked her head to the side in question. “ _How_ did you meet, then?”

Arthur nearly choked on his next bite. “We... well...”

“Gwen?” Merlin called, saving Arthur from having to answer.

“Coming! Sorry, I got distracted.”

Arthur let out a huge sigh of relief. He really should come up with a decent story.

Gwen was the next one to take her break, so Arthur resumed his place behind the machine. Despite his mild anxiety about being left alone with Merlin, he actually enjoyed working with the guy. Merlin didn’t force small talk, but even the silence wasn’t all that awkward.

Arthur didn’t know whether the two of them just worked well together, or if Merlin was like that with everyone else.

Maybe Arthur _should_ consider offering Merlin the job. He would have to let Morgana know, of course, which was a pain. His sister would definitely ask way too many intrusive questions.

Arthur wasn’t sure that having Merlin onboard would be worth torture.

“Your turn, Merlin,” Gwen announced when she came back, and gently ushered Merlin away from the till, taking his place.

“Are you sure? I don’t really need a break.”

“You haven’t eaten.”

“Oh, my body‘s got plenty of reserves.”

Gwen gave him a dubious once-over. “Yeah, sure,” she snorted. Merlin made a mock-affronted face. “Go. On. Your. Break. Merlin,” she repeated sternly. Arthur often had the pleasure of receiving a scolding in that tone himself, so he felt for Merlin.

“Better do as she says, Merlin. She’s a complete mother-hen, you’re not getting your way.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Merlin deadpanned, but the twinkle in his eyes gave him away.

Gwen held up a finger, pointing at the both of them. “I wouldn’t have to mother you if you took care of yourselves.” She turned back to Merlin. “Now, shoo, and make sure you get something to eat.”

“Yes, mum,” Merlin sighed dramatically and fetched the same sandwich Arthur had chosen for himself.

“Want something to drink?” Arthur asked as Merlin was about to go take a seat.

“Oh. Yeah, that would be great. Medium-”

“Medium cappuccino, one sugar,” Arthur finished automatically, then promptly blushed. He snapped his head up, glancing at Merlin with wide eyes.

Merlin didn’t look much different. He stood still, mouth slightly parted, and stared directly at Arthur.

“Y-yeah. You, uh, have a good memory,” he stuttered, picking on the plastic wrap around his sandwich.

Arthur would’ve sworn Merlin was trying to conceal a smile, for whatever reason. Instead of dwelling on it, Arthur busied himself with pouring milk into a frothing cup.

“Goes with the territory,” he justified weakly, barely audible. He dared a look at Gwen, whose eyes were flicking curiously between the two of them. “I’ll bring you the coffee when it’s ready,” Arthur promised, dropping his gaze and pouring a double-shot.

“Thank you,” he heard just as Merlin turned around and walked away.

“ _Goes with the territory,”_ Gwen mimicked in what was definitely _not_ Arthur’s voice. “Really, Arthur?”

“What?” Arthur _did not_ squeak. “It does!”

“Sure, sure,” Gwen humored him. “Only you hardly remember your own drink.”

“Hey! That’s not true!” Arthur defended, nearly dropping the cup.

“Do you know mine, then?” she raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Arthur puffed out his chest. “Mocha, a pump of caramel syrup.”

Gwen pursed her lips. “Size?”

“Small, except for Mondays, when you get large.”

He smirked in victory when Gwen blinked at him in surprise, apparently out of arguments.

“Fine. You made your point.”

“Ha!”

Smirking in victory, Arthur quickly finished preparing Merlin’s coffee while Gwen took an order from a new customer. He walked over to where Merlin was munching on his sandwich and placed the ceramic cup on the table with a shaky hand, suddenly nervous for no good reason.

_It’s all Gwen’s fault anyway._

So what if Arthur wasn’t all that great at remembering all the orders? The cafe had so many regulars it was impossible to remember everyone. And Arthur wasn’t completely hopeless. There were a few chosen ones he bothered keeping in his long-term memory. Like Gwen, for instance.

Apparently, Merlin made it to the V.I.P. section as well.

“Here.”

“Thank you,” Merlin said softly and peered up at Arthur. For a moment, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but Arthur cut him short.

“Sorry, I need to- I’ve an order coming up.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure, don’t let me keep you.” Merlin smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

Arthur made a hasty exit, and all but ran back. Taking the ticket from Gwen, he started on an extra hot flat white, then brought it to the customer when it was ready.

To his dismay, it looked like Gwen wasn’t planning on dropping whatever interrogation she had prepared for him. Before she could get a word out, another person approached the counter and Arthur was starting to think the odds had finally started working in his favor, saving him from unwanted attention.

He abruptly changed his mind when he registered who the person was.

“Lance!” Gwen _squealed_ in delight, beaming all over. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey,” Lance replied with the same enthusiasm, and spared a brief glance and a nod in Arthur’s direction, oblivious to the fact that all the color had drained from his face. “I knew you were working today, so I thought I’d pop in.”

Gwen leaned in and not-at-all whispered. “Be careful. You don’t want Arthur to get jealous that you don’t bother to show up for him.”

They both giggled like little kids and, on any other occasion, Arthur would have a snarky retort ready, but not this time.

“Sorry, Arthur.” Lance said, the furthest thing from apologetic. “You know I love you, mate, but Gwen is my favorite.”

Gwen giggled again, and Arthur attempted a laugh in return.

_Maybe Lance won’t even notice Merlin. He hasn’t so far._

“Should’ve known you only keep me around for my looks,” Arthur joked, praying that it sounded convincing.

He would never find out. At that moment, a disgruntled man, the last customer Arthur had made a coffee for, approached them and all but slammed his cup on the counter.

“Are you for real?” He glared at Arthur.

“Excuse me?”

The man’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Great. And you’re deaf, too,” he spat out, Arthur wincing at the tone. “I asked for an extra hot coffee. This is lukewarm at best!” He shoved the cup in Arthur’s direction and sent its content spilling.

“I’m sorry but-”

“Seriously, how daft are you? How hard is it to make a hot cup of coffee? Do you even work here?”

“Sir, could you please lower your voice?” Gwen spoke up before Arthur managed to get a word out.

The man only scoffed at her. “You don’t tell me what to do, lady. And I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Hey!” Lance took a step forward, ready to guard Gwen if it came to it.

“Is there a problem?” Came Merlin’s voice as he appeared out of nowhere. All eyes turned to him, and Arthur watched with slight amusement and great horror as Lance did a double-take.

“Oh, I don’t know. Does anyone here even know how to make coffee?” The man answered mockingly, but kept looking at Arthur.

“Can you tell me what the issue is?” Merlin continued calmly, but Arthur noticed a subtle twitch of his jaw.

“Are you the manager?” The man asked Merlin, but he didn’t wait for a reply. “I said I wanted my coffee extra hot and what I got was barely warm.”

Merlin’s eyes found Arthur, asking a silent question that Arthur didn’t understand. He turned back to the man. “Sorry about that. I’m sure Arthur can make you a new one.”

“The boy obviously has no idea how to. I doubt he has a single braincell to spare.”

Arthur heard Gwen gasp at the vile tone, and to his mortification his vision started to blur. _Oh, no._

When Merlin spoke next, he sounded significantly less collected. “Sir, there’s no need to be nasty. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but it’s nothing that can’t be easily repaired. And I would appreciate if you refrained from insulting my friend.”

“Well, _your friend_ would be better off at a job that doesn’t require any skill, or use of the brain for that matter.”

The words were barely out of the man’s mouth when Merlin took a step closer, towering over the man and grinding his teeth. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Leave,” Merlin pressed out, the word sounding more like a hiss.

The man gaped at him. “This is appalling! You can’t treat a customer like that!”

“I wouldn’t have to if you behaved appropriately.”

“I paid for my coffee!”

“Of course,” Merlin said evenly, and turned to Arthur with an outstretched hand. “Arthur? Could you please refund this gentlemen for his drink?”

Arthur was sure his brain had stopped working a while ago, but his body reacted on auto-pilot, opening the till and pulling out a five pound note.

“Thank you,” Merlin said and handed the money to the man. “There. All set. Have a nice day.”

The man stared some more, mouth hanging open as he couldn’t believe what was happening. Finally, he snatched the note from Merlin and walked briskly to the door. “Just wait and see how I’ll drag you in my review!”

“Looking forward to it!” Merlin called back as the door shut behind the man. It was only then that he relaxed, shoulders slumping tiredly. “What an ass,” he grumbled, then spoke to Arthur. “Arthur, are you okay?”

Unable to form words, Arthur only nodded.

“Hey!” Lance seemed to wake up. “It’s you! You’re the guy from the-”

“The pub. Yeah, that’s me. Merlin,” Merlin interrupted and offered Lance his hand for a shake, lifting an eyebrow significantly.

Lance looked lost, but grasped Merlin’s hand all the same. “Right. The pub,” he said slowly. “Nice to see you again. I’m Lance.”

“Nice to see you too,” Merlin agreed, giving him a tight smile.

“You know each other?” Gwen questioned.

“We just met briefly,” Lance replied but didn’t take his eyes off of Merlin. “About a month ago, when we went for a drink.”

Merlin nodded in agreement, suppressing a smile. “Yeah.”

“So,” Lance continued. “You work here now? Did I miss something?”

“Not much,” Merlin shrugged. “I popped in for a coffee yesterday and it turned out Arthur works here. We chatted for a bit, then his sister called to say that they’d be one person short today and there was no one else who could do the shift. So I offered.”

“Right,” Lance said and looked over at Arthur, who was too busy gaping at the easy way the two had fabricated the first part of the story. Arthur only wondered why Lance went along with it.

“And it’s a good thing you’re here, too!” Gwen added, and wrapped Merlin in a brief, but tight hug. “Merlin, that was amazing!”

“Oh. Well, I hope I didn’t get you into any trouble,” he said, ducking his head.

“Please! If Morgana were here, the guy would regret he was ever born. You were actually being nice.” She laughed, then stopped. “Arthur,” she said more solemnly. “Are you okay? The guy was a real twat.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is a total and complete asshole,” Merlin corrected, earning a laugh from everyone except Arthur.

“I’m fine,” Arthur replied curtly. “Thanks for that.”

Merlin smiled. “Any time.”

Things got slightly more awkward after that, but thankfully it seemed that Gwen was oblivious. It probably had something to do with the fact that Lance held all her attention.

Once more, it was just Arthur and Merlin behind the counter, while Gwen indulged in some, by the looks of it, very profound conversation with Lance. It didn’t really matter though, given that the shop was closing in less than one hour and there were only a few occupied tables.

Though he didn’t want to, Arthur couldn’t stop thinking about the way Merlin had stood up for him. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

On one hand, he felt incredibly ashamed, not only for having been scolded by a customer in front of everyone, but mostly due to his inability to defend himself.

On the other hand, he was doing everything in his power not to start crying on the job. No one had ever stood up for him like Merlin had. And what the hell, they barely knew each other. And yet, Merlin had called Arthur his friend. And maybe it had been just for the sake of making a point, but Arthur couldn’t help but wish that Merlin had meant it.

“Thank you,” he heard himself say. Merlin stopped where he was cleaning the display with glass spray.

“Huh?”

“For earlier. For when you... when you told that guy to fuck off. You really didn’t have to do that. Not on my account.”

Merlin’s brows furrowed in displeasure and he straightened up, abandoning his task momentarily. “That’s not true. I most definitely had to do that. The way he spoke to you - God, that pissed me off so much.”

Arthur shrugged, feigning indifference. “Wouldn’t be the first time someone had a go at me.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Merlin laughed humorlessly. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Arthur peered at him from under his eyelashes. “Don’t I?”

“No,” Merlin answered resolutely. “Never.”

Arthur sensed they were heading into another staring match. He couldn’t decide whether he was relieved or disappointed when Lance chose that moment to reappear next to them.

“Are you coming tonight?” he asked Arthur.

“What?”

“It’s my turn to host.”

Oh. Right. “Sure. Six?”

“Yeah.” Lance bit his lip, suddenly hesitant. “You should come, too,” he said to Merlin.

Arthur froze on the spot.

_This is what a heart attack must feel like._

“What? Where?” Merlin asked.

“It’s a weekly thing we do, me and the rest of the guys you met at the cl- um, the pub. We meet up for a movie or a show marathon, have some drinks, play games. We’ve been binge-watching Big Bang Theory lately. This week is my turn, so we’re doing it at mine.”

Lance was pointedly avoiding Arthur’s gaze. It was a good thing too because Arthur was glaring daggers.

_Lance, you traitor._

“I’m coming too, by the way. So is Elyan,” Gwen announced, obviously hoping it would prompt Merlin to say yes.

_Traitors, all of them._

“Oh. I see.” Merlin hesitated, shooting Arthur a questioning look. “Would that be alright with you?”

Arthur groaned internally. What the fuck was he supposed to say to that?!

“Sure,” he replied. “The more the merrier.”

“Great!” Gwen perked up. “By the way, I think you can go home, Merlin. Arthur and I will be fine to do the clean up.”

“Oh. I don’t mind helping with that.”

Gwen waved him off. “No point keeping you here. We’ll be fine, really. Go home and I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, as long as you’re sure,” Merlin relented.

“I am. Arthur, can you text Merlin the address?”

“Sure,”Arthur agreed, because what other choice did he have?

Satisfied with his response, Gwen dragged Lance away, presumably to continue their conversation from before.

Resigned to his fate, Arthur pulled out his phone only to come to a realization. “I, um, don’t have your number,” he said sheepishly.

“Right,” Merlin chuckled, and gestured for Arthur to hand over the phone. When he did, Merlin punched his number in, then returned it to Arthur. “There.”

“Thanks,” Arthur said. He quickly typed in Lance’s address and hit send. “All done.”

“Thank you,” Merlin replied. “I guess I’ll be seeing you tonight, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Merlin was on his way to the door when Arthur remembered he hadn’t even paid him for his help today. “Wait!” he called, took some cash from the till and went over to Merlin. “I almost forgot. This is for today. Thanks again for helping out. We would be screwed without you.”

Merlin shook his head. “No, that’s okay. You don’t need to pay me. I was happy to help. It was fun. Well... most of it, anyway,” he chuckled.

“No bloody way. Take the money, Merlin.”

“Arthur, that’s not necessary.”

“Merlin,” Arthur insisted. “If everything went as it was supposed to, there would be a third person on the shift anyway. We would still need to pay that money to someone.”

“Arthur-”

“You know what? Why don’t you take the money and buy a six-pack, then bring it over tonight?” Arthur changed the tactic.

It worked.

“Okay,” Merlin agreed reluctantly, taking the wad of cash from Arthur gingerly, as though it would burn him. “I can do that.”

“Great,” Arthur attempted a smile. “You know,” he continued. “If you were up for it, we could use an extra pair of hands here and there. I mean, it’s summer and there’s always someone who requests a few days off to go on a holiday.” There, he said it. Gwen would be proud of him.

Merlin looked genuinely taken aback. “Are you offering me a job?”

“I mean... kinda? Just a casual position. It might even fit in with your schedule if you already have a job.”

“I don’t. Well, I do, technically, but I’m not starting until September.”

“Oh. What’s the job?”

“I’ll be teaching. Actually, I’ll be a TA at a local high school.”

“Really? What will you teach?”

“History and literature.”

“Oh, God,” he found himself laughing. “That’s so nerdy!”

“Excuse you!” Merlin yelped indignantly. “I’m not a nerd!”

“No, of course not,” Arthur snorted, earning an unimpressed glare. “So... that mean you’d be available?”

Merlin took a minute to think the idea over. “I can do that. Although, shouldn’t your sister approve first?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Morgana might own the cafe, but she doesn’t do shit. It’s mostly me and Gwen who deal with everything. I’ll just call her and tell her to put you on the payroll.” Yeah, and try to dodge any intrusive questions.

“Your family dynamics are astounding,” Merlin teased good-naturedly.

“You don’t know half of it.” Arthur sighed dramatically. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“See you.” Merlin turned to leave, and was halfway out of the door when Arthur’s hand shot up to stop him.

“Hey, Merlin.”

“Yeah?”

“When you told the guy off...”

“Yeah?”

“You said... you said that I was, you know, your friend.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you mean it?”

Arthur knew he must have been red to the tips of his ears, but for some reason Merlin’s answer was more important than Arthur’s dignity.

Merlin’s eyes visibly softened. “I did.”

“Oh. Okay. I... would like that. Being friends, I mean.”

“So would I.”

“Okay, good.” He outstretched his hand. “Friends?”

With a dopey smile, Merlin shook the offered hand, sealing the deal. “Friends.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised no more angst after the first chapter, but the story played out in my head, and this is the result. 
> 
> Now I promise! It will only get better *raises a pinky*
> 
> Hang in there! 
> 
> Also, some warning in the note at the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos go to [ mother_of_lions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_of_lions) for beta-ing. You're amazing and I'm so happy you haven't given up on me yet :D <3

Arthur should have seen it coming. Gwen had gone to clean the toilets, and not five seconds had passed before Lance was on him.

“Care to explain what that was about?” he demanded solemnly.

“What?”

Lance wasn’t impressed. “You know what,” he replied exasperatedly. “Why don’t you want Gwen to know about Merlin?”

Groaning, Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can you not?”

“Sure,” Lance said leisurely, pursing his lips. Arthur didn’t like it one bit. “I’m quite curious, though, if others will be willing to drop it.”

Arthur frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Gwen is coming tonight. And Elyan.” Arthur’s eyes widened in comprehension. “It will be a matter of minutes before they learn.”

“Fuck me,” Arthur huffed petulantly.

“So I think you’re better off spilling the beans to me and getting it over with.” Lance shrugged nonchalantly. Arthur wanted to deck him.

“I wish it was that easy.”

“Arthur,” Lance tried again. “Why is it such a big deal? You had sex, so what? Who cares how you met? I can assure you Gwen definitely doesn’t. And she would never judge you. None of us would. Hell, we were the ones who dragged you to the club in the first place.”

Arthur bit his lip, hesitant. This was such a mess. And it was all his doing. “There’s more to it.”

Lance grew unsure at Arthur’s last comment but remained unwilling to give up. “I’m listening. If you care to tell me, that is.”

Arthur’d rather not. But Merlin was probably right. Lance was his friend. They were all his friends. He couldn’t keep this under the rug forever, not if he wanted to keep them in his life.

“Okay,” he agreed despairingly. “Just promise me something.” He waited for Lance to nod. “You’re not about to give me the third degree.”

Albeit confused, Lance nodded again. “Yeah, of course.”

“Okay.” Arthur took a deep breath. “I lied. We didn’t have sex.”

“What?!” Lance’s high-pitched voice carried through the cafe.

“Shh!” Arthur admonished.

“Sorry,” Lance apologized sheepishly. “I mean, why would you lie about that?”

“Why do you think?” Arthur shot back bitterly. “You’ve been on my case for ages, ever since I told you I was a virgin. I just wanted to shut you all up.”

He watched as Lance prepared himself for a comeback, presumably to object to that accusation. Something must have clicked then, and Arthur noticed his shoulders sag heavily.

He didn’t expect Lance’s next words.

“I’m sorry.” He peered at Arthur guiltily. “You’re right. We were jerks about it, even though it’s none of our business. I’m sorry that we pushed so hard.”

Rendered speechless, Arthur could only stare.

_So this is it?_

“Um... thanks.” Arthur cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I didn’t mean to lay it on you like that. It’s just... it’s a sensitive topic.”

Lance smiled in empathy. “I can’t even imagine.” Then asked, “If you didn’t have sex, what did you do, then? Did you really take Merlin home with you?”

Arthur felt heat rise in his cheeks. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“And?”

 _Just spit it out._ “And then, we... we almost.... Well, not almost. We kissed some. And he touched me.” He exhaled in a whoosh. “And then I freaked out. And Merlin left.”

“Oh.” Lance blinked, looking lost. “Did he do something-”

“No!” Hell, the last thing Arthur wanted was for someone to think Merlin had been in the wrong. “No, it was me. Merlin was fine. He was more than fine, actually. Took it pretty well. Totally respectful.”

“Okay?”

Shit. He was getting nowhere.

“It was me. I wasn’t interested.”

“So... Merlin’s not your type?”

 _Here we go._ “No one is my type.”

Another blink. “When you say no one...”

“I mean no one. No man. Nor woman.” He chuckled to himself. “No animal, if you’re worried about that.”

Lance visibly recoiled. “Eww! Gross, Arthur!”

“Sorry,” Arthur laughed. “Trying to cut through the tension.”

“Well, mission accomplished.” Lance couldn’t keep the grimace from his face. “So, when we tried to set you up with Sofia, or Vivian, or-”

“Nada. I didn’t want it.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Arthur waved a hand. “It’s forgotten. No point dwelling on it.” Lance seemed to have taken everything in stride so far, so Arthur hazarded pushing further. “Merlin thinks I might be asexual.”

“What?”

“Asexual. Or somewhere on the spectrum, to be more specific.”

“Right,” Lance said slowly, obviously lost. Just as Arthur had been.

So Arthur took pity on him and decided to parrot what Merlin had told him just yesterday, as accurately as he could remember.

“That makes sense, I suppose,” Lance commented when Arthur finished his babbling. His explanation was definitely all over the place and not at all as comprehensible as Merlin’s, but it would have to do.

“You think?”

“I mean, I‘ve never met anyone like you.” He paused. “At least not that I know. But it’s really not as weird as you make it sound. In fact, it’s not weird at all.” Before Arthur could react, Lance carried on. “I actually think it’s quite... sweet that you’re not hooked on people’s looks. That you care more about the personality.”

This was... way easier than Arthur had imagined. “It sounds all fancy when you say it like that,” he replied. “But the fact remains I’ve never been attracted to anyone based on their personality either.” Not in _that_ way, at least. But Arthur wasn’t about to go down that rabbit hole. Especially since he himself didn’t understand the works.

Take Lance, for instance. The guy was fucking perfect, the closest thing to a knight in shining armor there had ever been. Arthur adored the guy. And yet, that was all there was to it.

So how the hell did this attraction thing work?

“I’d like to shed some more light on this,” Lance said softly. “But I’m afraid I understand this even less than you do.”

“It’s alright,” Arthur tried for a comforting smile. “I guess I’ll just have to roll with it.”

He hated the pity he found in Lance’s eyes.

* * *

Just to make things clear - Arthur didn’t take naps. Naps were for kids and old people. Not for twenty-two years old men who got seven uninterrupted hours of sleep every night.

As fate would have it, Arthur did take a nap that day. Only because the whole day had been so emotionally draining! And Arthur was exhausted, okay?

It was not his fault that said nap took almost three hours, and thus caused him to be disgustingly late for the get-together. So late, in fact, that everyone else was already there.

Including Merlin.

“Look who decided to bless us with his presence!” Gwaine announced loudly and stomped towards Arthur with spread out arms, pulling him into a crushing hug. “You look like someone interrupted your beauty sleep,” he pointed out when he finally released Arthur.

“You’re not wrong,” Arthur laughed nervously, flicking his gaze over everyone in the room until it finally settled on Merlin, who sent him a wide smile and an awkward wave.

Arthur said hi to everyone, made a round to give a few half-hugs, none of them as overwhelming as Gwaine’s (except maybe for Percy, the fucking giant he was). He found Lance, Gwen, and Elyan in a little group of their own, watching him approach with weird looks.

Gwen snatched him into a tight hug the second he was within reach.

“Oh, Arthur, I’m so sorry. I hate that you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”

 _Wait, what?_ “What?” he asked out loud.

Gwen pulled away, but kept her hands on his arms. “About Merlin. About yourself.”

 _Oh_ _,_ _God._

Arthur shot Lance an accusing look.

“I’m sorry I didn’t discuss it with you first, Arthur,” Lance started apologetically. “But I thought it would be better if they heard it from me, and in private, rather than assume from what others would’ve said.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes into slits. “They?”

“Ehm,” Elyan fake-coughed next to Gwen. “He told me, too.”

Arthur only barely resisted the urge to face-palm. “For fuck’s sake.”

“It’s a good thing, Arthur!” Gwen argued passionately. “I promise, there’s nothing to worry about. We get it, and won’t bring it up again if you don’t want us to.”

“But,” Elyan intervened, “If you do want to, we’ll be here. Okay?”

Arthur didn’t like it. Hated that Lance had told them without permission. But... he supposed it did make sense. What were they to think if they had come here and listened to the untrue version of what happened after Arthur had left the club with Merlin?

“Okay. Thanks, guys.”

“Of course!” Gwen beamed at him. She seemed to hesitate, then leaned closer. “Just for the record, I’m really happy that you and Merlin get along, even though that...” She faltered. “You know.”

“Yeah,” Arthur agreed. “Me too.”

“Just so you know,” Lance took over, “I told the rest not to bring up the club. Or Merlin.”

“Oh.” Arthur was surprised. That was actually very considerate. And to think that his friends had agreed to it so easily. “Thank you. That really makes things easier.”

Lance nodded in agreement. “I thought it might, but...”

“What?”

Lance was obviously debating with himself and eventually said, “I think you should tell them the truth. Not now!” he added quickly when he noticed Arthur’s disgruntled expression. “Just... you know... keep it as an option. When the time is right.”

Not that it was Lance’s business, but Arthur supposed there was some truth to it. Merlin had said so, too. And yes, of course Arthur hated pretending to be something he was not.

“I will.”

Lance exhaled shakily, as though he’d been holding his breath the whole time.

“Not to ruin the dramatic mood,” Elyan said. “But I think they’re starting without us.” He pointed to the rest of their group who had decided to make themselves comfortable and started watching the third season of the BBT without them, everyone holding a bottle of beer. “Is there any more beer left?”

“Should be plenty in the fridge,” Lance replied, and made his way to the kitchen with Elyan while Gwen stayed with Arthur.

“He fits in here, doesn’t he?” she said suggestively.

“Who?”

“Merlin.”

Yeah, Merlin. Merlin, who was sitting next to Gwaine on the sofa, laughing at something Gwaine had said.

Arthur wasn’t too worried. Merlin was no gossip girl, he wouldn’t let the truth slip, even if Gwaine interrogated him about the events of their alleged hook-up. And Gwen was right, Merlin did fit in there. And apparently, Gwen wasn’t the only one who took an instant liking to him.

Not that Arthur blamed them. There was something about Merlin. Something that made it impossible not to grow fond of him.

He just wished they had met under different circumstances.

“Yeah, he does.”

Maybe things would be alright after all.

* * *

Things were not alright.

Not when Gwaine, Percy and Leon got their way with a game of Truth or dare.

“Truth,” was Lance’s answer when Percy gave him the option. He looked exactly as Arthur felt.

“Is there someone in this room who you wanna bone?”

Gwaine and Leon chortled loudly, slapping each other’s back, while Elyan was glaring daggers, first at Percy, then at the two.

On the other side of the circle, Lance blushed brighter than a tomato. “I...”

“The truth, Lance!” Percy demanded.

Groaning in what Arthur assumed was shame, Lance finally answered, “Yes.”

While the three roared with laughter, Lance could only drop his face into his hands. Next to chuckling Merlin, Gwen was blushing even harder.

“You dick! You’re gross!” Elyan slapped Percy up the back of his head, grimacing in disgust.

“Suck it up mate, your sister is hot,” Gwaine called from the other side, earning himself a glare in return.

“Can we move on, please?” Lance begged pitifully.

“He’s right!” Gwaine agreed. “Your turn.”

Maybe Arthur should be grateful that Lance decided to choose him. After all, if Arthur _had_ to play the stupid game, Lance was the best possible option.

“Arthur?” Lance turned to him. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Yeah, no way was he gonna choose dare.

“Make it count, Lance!” Leon cheered with his beer.

“Fine.” Lance rolled his eyes, and Arthur knew they felt akin about this. “Arthur, if you had to, who would you do? Leon or Gwaine?”

“Leon,” Arthur answered without hesitation, instantly relaxing.

“Hey!” Gwaine yelped, affronted, while Leon fist-pumped. “How dare you!”

Leon laughed at the outburst, patting Gwaine’s arm comfortingly. “I probably shouldn’t feel smug about this, but I do.”

Gwaine made a disgusted face. “You have no taste in men, Arthur.”

“I’d say he does,” Leon disagreed, and not-at-all subtly jerked his head in Merlin’s direction. Merlin’s eyes widened, and Arthur knew he must have looked the same.

“True, true,” Gwaine relented and snapped his fingers to get Arthur’s attention. “Your turn, princess.”

“Fine. Gwaine, truth or-”

“Dare!”

“Figures,” Arthur huffed with a shake of his head. He had to give it to Gwaine - he never backed down from a challenge. “Gwaine, I dare you to go to Lance’s room, lock yourself in the closet, and count to a million.”

“Hey!” Gwaine complained, crossing his arms on his chest.

“That was a good one, Arthur!” Lance approved, wiping tears from his eyes. “Get on with it, Gwaine!”

“I’m not doing that!” Gwaine refused sulkily.

“You chose dare,” Arthur reminded him.

“This isn’t fair!”

“Well...”

“You’re so mean,” he whined. “Fine, I changed my mind. Truth.”

Arthur could roll with that. He just needed to find something to embarrass Gwaine. If only he knew-

Oh, but he did know. He remembered that particular story. “Ever got kicked out of the bed in the middle of the act?”

Gwaine scrunched his nose in displeasure. “That was just once! She wasn’t adventurous at all.”

By then, everyone was pretty much rolling on the floor, gasping for breath.

“God, this is gold,” Gwen pressed out between laughs.

“Yeah, laugh it up, bitches,” Gwaine said mockingly and chugged down the rest of his beer. “My turn!” he called excitedly. “Merlin!”

_Oh, no._

“Truth or dare, my friend?”

Merlin smirked in challenge. “Dare.”

“That’s the spirit!” Gwaine praised. “At least you’re not as boring as the rest of this lot. So! I dare you to...” He smiled smugly, almost evilly.

A lump formed in Arthur’s throat.

“... to kiss the hottest person in this room.”

Arthur should’ve expected it, but he was still frozen in place when all the eyes turned to him instead of Merlin.

_Fuck. This is a disaster._

It wasn’t that Arthur thought highly of himself. But given their history, given Merlin’s preference for men, and that he had chosen Arthur of all people, back in that club… there was a good chance that Merlin was going to kiss him. Right?

That was... not good. Not at all. Arthur would panic. He would freak out, and everyone would question him until he couldn’t keep the lie any longer, and then-

And then Merlin turned to Gwen and pressed his lips to her cheek.

More than one jaw hit the floor at the unexpected turn of events, and Arthur watched Gwen’s eyes grow into comical proportions as Merlin pulled away.

Merlin smiled in self-satisfaction at the dumbstruck faces.

“What? You think because I’m gay, I’m also blind?” he asked humorously, breaking the spell.

Percy was the first one to shake off the shock. “It’s a good thing you’re gay, otherwise Lance would have your ass handed to you.”

Merlin shrugged, lifting a suggestive brow. “Since I’m gay, I wouldn’t really mind.”

“Oh, my God,” Lance groaned, blushing harder than he had before.

“We could make it a dare.”

“Gwaine!” Lance chastised indignantly.

“What?”

“Shut up!”

“Jesus, guys, you’re not fun.”

It was a good thing that Gwaine got bored and called the game off, because Arthur wasn’t sure how much longer he could go on.

They watched a couple more episodes of the BBT before, one after another, everyone started yawning. They called it a night shortly thereafter, and since Arthur was in no rush, he stayed to help Lance clean up. He gathered as many scattered beer bottles as he could and carried them to the kitchen, just in time to pass Merlin, who was walking out of the bathroom.

“Hey,” he said, and instantly cringed. _Idiot!_

Thankfully, Merlin just laughed. “Hey yourself,” he replied and stepped around Arthur to get back to the living room.

“Thank you,” Arthur blurted before he knew what possessed him.

“For what?”

“I know what you did back there,” he explained. “When Gwaine dared you to... you know...”

Gradually, Merlin’s eyes softened. The smile he gave Arthur was just as tender, before it turned cheeky. “Quite confident, are we?”

Cheeks flushing, Arthur fought to maintain the serious expression. “Merlin...”

“I’m joking,” Merlin chuckled. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Arthur,” he continued, suddenly solemn. “No matter how I may feel.”

Arthur’s forehead crinkled in confusion. “How you... what?”

Merlin cleared his throat. “Nothing.”

“Merlin...”

“You should tell them.”

“What?”

“The truth,” Merlin clarified. “About us. About yourself.”

“They won’t understand,” Arthur said grimly.

“Are you sure? Lance already knows.”

Shit. Of course Lance would talk to Merlin, too.

“Lance might know, that doesn’t mean he gets it.”

“True. But they are your friends. Don’t you want to be honest with them?”

“Of course I do!” he defended. “But... it’s not that easy.”

“I know,” Merlin all but whispered and gave Arthur a tense smile. “Ignore what I said. You should tell them when you’re ready.”

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? “What if I’m never ready?”

“I’m not worried about that,” Merlin said honestly, and Arthur felt the ever-present knot in his stomach untangle.

He may not believe it himself, but at least someone had faith in him.

“I hope you’re right. Thank you, Merlin.”

“Any time.”

* * *

Since Saturday turned out to be, unexpectedly so, such a good day, Arthur had hopes for Sunday being the same.

He had every right to think so. Last night, Gwen had asked Merlin whether he’d be interested in doing Sunday shift as well, given that Elena wanted to stay with her dad for a few more days. Merlin had agreed, of course, and the shift went just as smoothly as the one before, minus the dickhead customer. So even better, really.

Arthur was just cleaning up when he received a call from Percy, asking if he’d like to get together again at the pub they usually frequented. Apparently, Lance and Gwen couldn’t make it, as they were having their first official date that night. Arthur wasn’t sure what prompted them to finally pull their heads out of their asses, and he hoped it wasn’t because of the stupid game and the embarrassing question Lance had been forced to answer. But if it was... well, Arthur supposed it would make a good story for their future kids.

Merlin was invited too, but had to refuse. He had already agreed to help his friend Freya move flats after the shift, and then they were getting dinner together.

At least it looked like Elyan could make it. Thank fuck for small miracles.

* * *

Arthur knew it was all too good to last.

And he should have known that there would be questions. Way too many to evade them all, even with Elyan’s help.

In the end, Arthur decided to bite the bullet. Chances were he would never be ready. Might as well get on with it now, while the three beers in his system were working on numbing him.

“We didn’t have sex.”

Naturally, the table went eerily quiet. “You... what?” Leon asked with a frown.

“You heard me.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said! I lied.”

“Why?”

“Because you wouldn’t give me a break!” he finally snapped. “I thought if I told you I went through with it, you would drop it. I didn’t expect to see Merlin again.”

“Okay. So, what happened?” Percy asked next. “After you left the club.”

 _Just push through, Arthur. You just need to say this once._ “I took Merlin home with me. And we... um, we kissed. And we ended up in my bedroom. And I was on my back and he was above me, just kissing and touching me and I... I panicked.”

“What happened?”

“I asked him to stop. And he did. And then he left.”

“Just like that?” Gwaine looked genuinely puzzled.

“Well, I... I told him I wasn’t attracted to him.”

“You what?!” Gwaine yelled, genuinely appalled. “Why would you say that?”

“Because I wasn’t!”

“Seriously? But... he’s...” He made a vaguely sweeping gesture.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

So Arthur told them. Everything that he and Merlin had talked about. What they had found out. Everything he could remember.

“And you always felt this way?” Leon asked, and Arthur nodded weakly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I didn’t know what to say! Until I talked to Merlin, I had no idea what was wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Arthur,” Elyan opposed resolutely.

“I know.” He sighed tiredly. “At least, I think I know.”

“I’m sorry we pushed you,” Percy said remorsefully. “If we knew, we would never pressure you like that. I mean, we shouldn’t have pressured you in the first place. I’m sorry we never asked how you felt.”

God, Merlin was right. This really felt good. “Thank you. I get it though. I didn’t know how I felt myself.”

“It’s gonna be alright, Arthur,” Leon comforted, smiling encouragingly. “I’m sure that one day you’ll meet someone, fall in love and then you’ll want everything with them.”

Arthur felt his body lock up. “You can’t know that.”

“Just wait and see,” Leon continued. “I know you don’t feel that way now, but when you meet the right person-”

“Then what? I’ll meet them and miraculously become normal? Suddenly, I’ll be cured?” He laughed hysterically. “I’ll want to have sex with them?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Oh, my God,” he groaned in desperation. How could he have thought any of them would understand? “You didn’t hear a single thing I said, did you?”

“I’m just saying!” Leon protested. “You said you’re not attracted to people based on their looks. But if you are supposed to fall in love, you need to actually date someone.”

“But I’m not interested in dating!”

“So, what? You’re gonna be alone for the rest of your life? Are you planning to be a virgin forever?”

Arthur’s vision started to blur and a vice squeezed inside his chest.

This was a mistake.

“Why is everything about sex? Why can’t you just let me be?”

“We’re just trying to help.”

”Well, you’re not!” Arthur stood up, so sudden that his chair nearly went flying back, and began walking to the door, as fast as he could without running.

“Where are you going?” he heard Gwaine call.

“Home.”

“Arthur-”

“Just... Let me be.”

* * *

Being alone didn’t help as much as Arthur had hoped. Sure, he’d still rather be by himself, and have some peace and quiet. But he also kinda didn’t want to be alone. 

He picked up his phone before he could change his mind.

_Are you asleep?_

Merlin’s reply came back less than half a minute later.

****No. Is everything alright?** **

Nothing was alright. _Can I call?_

Instead of receiving a message, his phone vibrated with an incoming call. “Hello?”

“Arthur?” Merlin’s voice came through the speaker and shit, Arthur could feel himself welling up. “What’s going on?”

“I...” he choked out, covering his mouth with his palm when he noticed how broken he sounded.

“Arthur?”

 _Fuck this. What do I have to lose?_ “I know it’s late, but... could you come over?”

The words were barely out of his mouth when he heard keys jingle on Merlin’s side of the phone.

“I’m on my way.”

* * *

“I was so stupid. So stupid for thinking they would get it, you know? And at first, I thought they might. But I was wrong.” Arthur took another sip of his fourth, fifth? beer of the night, pointedly ignoring Merlin’s disapproving glare.

“I’m sorry.”

Yeah, Arthur was sorry too. “Everyone’s just... They treat me as though I’m broken,” he said spitefully. “Like I’m just something to be fixed. And I can only be fixed when I find someone. Like I need someone to complete me.” He couldn’t keep the venom from his voice, and for the most part he didn’t even care. To his relief, it seemed Merlin didn’t either.

“They’re wrong,” Merlin said with conviction, adjusting himself on the sofa so he could look at Arthur properly as he spoke. Arthur felt way too vulnerable to follow his example, choosing to stare straight ahead. “You’re not broken, Arthur. And you don’t need someone to fix you.” Merlin raised a hand and tentatively reached towards Arthur, placing it on his shoulder in a comforting manner. “You’re enough. Just as you are.”

“Am I?” Arthur laughed hollowly.

“Yes.” Merlin tightened his grip.

“You’re the only person who gets it,” he admitted weakly. “Who’d got it even before I knew what was wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Merlin’s determination to make Arthur feel better was truly heart-warming. Sadly, it didn’t change the facts. “That’s not what others think.”

“Only because they don’t see what I see.”

Arthur halted with the bottle halfway to his lips and finally dared a look at Merlin.

Merlin’s gaze was searing and Arthur found himself gasping for breath. “What do you see?”

“You.”

Fuck this. All of this. Why did this have to be Arthur’s life? Why did he have to be like this?

Here he was, a sad sack of identity issues and self-pity, feeling sorry for himself because he couldn’t suck it up and have fun like normal people.

And next to him, there was this... this fucking amazing guy who made Arthur feel seen, for the first time in his life. This brilliant person who was looking at Arthur like he hung the moon, who had jumped into his car the second Arthur had asked him to, who understood him more than anyone else did. More than Arthur understood himself.

And Arthur was still fucking broken. Why couldn’t he just get over himself?

Maybe his friends were right. Maybe he just needed to put himself out there, to force himself out of his comfort zone, and the rest would figure itself out.

Whether it was the alcohol, or the whirlwind of his mind, something compelled Arthur to move.

Abandoning his beer, he turned bodily towards Merlin and between one second and the next, he framed Merlin’s dumbstruck face between his palms and crashed their lips together.

A slightly pained sound escaped Merlin’s throat at the forceful impact, but his lips yielded under Arthur’s all the same.

It was just as Arthur remembered. Merlin’s lips were soft, a stark contrast to the slightly abrasive feel of his five o’clock shadow. He smelled of amber and musk, masculine and intoxicating. His body was a furnace, radiating heat and seeping into Arthur’s skin.

It was just as Arthur remembered.

And he didn’t feel a thing.

He huffed in frustration when Merlin’s mouth parted against his, tentative but eager, and yet all Arthur could feel was the wet slide of their lips and faint saltiness of Merlin’s skin.

A whimper escaped him, and Merlin pulled away to look at him. “Arthur? Are you-”

“Don’t,” Arthur interrupted and pulled Merlin into another kiss, squeezing his eyes shut as hard as he could in hopes it would make a difference. Maybe it would, if only he concentrated hard enough.

It didn’t.

Something tickly and wet slid down his right cheek, and he realized with horror that he had started crying.

“Arthur,” Merlin mumbled against his lips and his hands gently encircled Arthur’s wrist. “Arthur, stop.”

No. No, he couldn’t stop. He could do this, he knew he could! “Just... let me,” he breathed between kisses, shaky and desperate.

This would work, this _had to_ work. Merlin was good for him. And he liked Arthur. And Arthur liked him, right? And if Arthur tried hard enough, he could-

“Arthur!” Merlin all but tore himself away, prying Arthur’s hands off his face forcefully.

“Merlin?” Arthur peeped, wide-eyed, genuinely baffled by Merlin’s reaction.

“What the hell, Arthur?!” Merlin’s expression was stormy, and if Arthur didn’t know the man to be kind and gentle, he would cower under it.

“Merlin... please.” He tentatively shuffled forward again, leaning into Merlin’s space.

Merlin sat still as a statue, his body wound tight as a bow ready to snap.

Arthur placed his hands on Merlin’s shoulders this time, attempting to close the distance between them. “Please,” he sobbed. “If I... if I can’t with you... then I can’t with anyone.”

Merlin struggled in Arthur’s hold, pushing against his chest. “Get off me,” he demanded, and the coldness of his voice sent unpleasant shivers down Arthur’s spine.

“Merlin...”

“Get off me!” He pushed hard enough that Arthur landed heavily against the back of the sofa, wincing at the impact.

“Merlin.” Arthur tried again, growing more desperate when Merlin literally jumped away from the sofa, away from Arthur.

“Jesus, Arthur, I thought...” He began pacing, sliding his hands into his hair and tugging so hard that Arthur flinched in sympathy. “Why would you do that?!”

Why had he done that? “I thought... thought you wanted this,” he justified weakly. “Wanted me.”

Merlin made a face like he just bit into a lemon. “But _you_ don’t want this!” He stopped in his tracks, regarding Arthur with wide eyes. “ _Do_ you want it?”

The question held so much vulnerability, and despite his best efforts Arthur couldn’t find it in himself to lie. So he stayed silent.

He felt his eyes burn again, and ducked his head so Merlin wouldn’t witness how they filled with shame.

“Fuck,” Merlin uttered, and Arthur would swear he had heard his voice crack on the single word.

This was all Arthur’s fault.

“Merlin.”

“I have to go,” Merlin announced suddenly, and without further preamble he went straight for the door.

“No!” Arthur shot up from the sofa, taking a few, hurried steps to catch up with him. “Please, Merlin. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he pleaded as he grabbed Merlin by the arm. Merlin stopped walking, but didn’t face Arthur. “It won’t happen again, I promise. I’m just... I’m just drunk. Please. Please stay.”

Merlin shook his head.“I can’t stay, Arthur.”

“Please,” he tried again, tightening his grip. ”Don’t leave me.”

Merlin let out a pained sound and finally turned around. “Arthur,” he said like a plea, the haunted look in his eyes made Arthur choke on thin air. “Arthur, you’re tired. And not in your right mind,” he reasoned unconvincingly. “You need to get some sleep.”

Arthur ignored him. “Please,” he repeated and tried to pull him closer. “Don’t leave.”

It took several long seconds of Merlin looking as if he was facing a life and death situation. He sighed in resignation. “I won’t. I’ll stay. Okay?”

Arthur nodded vehemently and let Merlin lead him to his bedroom.

“Promise?” he asked when Merlin pushed him gently on the bed, pointedly avoiding his gaze.

“Promise,” he replied. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

Arthur made himself push through his discomfort as guilt washed over him. “You can sleep in the bed.”

Another pained sound. “No.” Arthur opened his mouth, ready to fight Merlin on this. “Arthur.” Merlin held up a hand, then said sternly, “Drop it.”

Knowing he’d already caused enough harm, both to Merlin and himself, he relented. “Okay.”

Merlin nodded in acknowledgement and watched as Arthur slid under the covers, fully clothed and not caring one bit. He burrowed his face in the pillow and peered up at Merlin with one half-open eye.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” He counted the seconds to Merlin’s reply.

“I will.”

“Promise?”

Incredulously, a corner of Merlin’s mouth tugged up ever so slightly. “Promise.”

Something unclenched in Arthur’s chest as Merlin made his promise, and he finally let himself relax into the mattress. “Good night, Merlin.”

He was being pulled into unconsciousness almost immediately. The last thing he heard before sleep took him were retreating footsteps and the sound of the door closing shut. “Good night, Arthur.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning** for another very mild dub-con towards the end (the whole scene is vastly different from the one in the first chapter but I thought some of you might appreciate the heads-up).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, guys! Here goes fluff! 
> 
> Merry Christmas ❤️
> 
> As always, a big thank you to my amazing beta [ mother_of_lions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_of_lions) who made time for me even though it's Christmas 💗

When Arthur woke up the next morning, it was to a mild headache and a grumbling stomach. Which only meant he hadn’t been as drunk as he thought - or wished - he had been last night.

It also meant he was completely responsible for his actions.

He resisted the urge to bury his face in the pillow and scream himself hoarse from frustration and shame. He thought that what had happened with Merlin a month ago, after they had left the club, was the worst thing he had ever done.

He was wrong.

No matter how much Arthur had fucked up, Merlin had been just a stranger back then. A nice stranger, admittedly, but just a stranger. And now... now he was Arthur’s friend. And Arthur had hurt him, after all Merlin had done for him.

He wiped furiously at his eyes when his vision started to blur. Why was he being so emotional first thing in the morning? He was probably just hungry. 

The thought of food brought up the mental image of his fridge. Which was in the kitchen. Which connected to the living room.

Which is where Merlin had spent the night. On the sofa.

Shit.

What the hell had Arthur been thinking? How could he have thought he’d be able to face Merlin after his spectacular fuck up? God, that would be even worse than meeting Merlin again in the cafe last Friday.

But Arthur had asked Merlin to stay. Had _begged_ him to stay. And Merlin had promised he would.

Arthur’s stomach did a little, not entirely unpleasant, somersault at the memory.

The events of last night came flooding back, successfully killing whatever positive emotion Arthur might have experienced for that split second. Resigning himself to his fate, Arthur tore the covers away and sat at the edge of the bed with a groan.

_Better get this over with._

Frowning, he noticed he had fallen asleep in his jeans and a T-shirt. Which obviously meant he hadn’t even showered, let alone brushed his teeth. Ugh. He had never wished as much as he did now that his room was an ensuite. However, he could at least change his clothes. He stripped down hastily, wrinkling his nose, and threw on a simple but fresh pair of sweatpants and a plain, white tee. This would have to do.

Opening the door, Arthur braced himself for the inevitable.

The inevitable never came.

Merlin was gone.

Arthur knew he should have felt relief. He had dodged the bullet, at least for now.

That’s not how he felt. He couldn’t even tell whether Merlin had spent the night and taken off before Arthur had woken up, or if he had left after Arthur had gone to bed. It was impossible to tell. The cushions were neatly arranged on the sofa and the beer bottle Arthur had left on the table was gone.

Arthur set himself heavily on the sofa and dropped his head into his hands, all thoughts of food gone.

God, this was so fucking confusing. Just last night, Arthur had begged Merlin to stay. Then he had woken up this morning and all but wished he didn’t have to face Merlin while the shame inside him burned strong.

And now.... now, Merlin was gone. Just as Arthur had hoped.

So why did it hurt so much?

Incredulously, Arthur felt himself welling up again. It had been happening a lot lately, he’d noticed.

He startled at the sound of someone unlocking the door. His head shot up and his glassy eyes settled on the door. He held his breath as he watched it open, only to forget to breathe all together when it opened to reveal Merlin. There he was, standing on the threshold, holding Arthur’s keys in one hand, and a cup holder with two coffees and a paper bag in the other.

Merlin looked up from where he had been focused on unlocking the door, mirroring Arthur’s flabbergasted expression when their eyes met.

“You’re up,” Merlin pointed out unnecessarily.

Arthur attempted to reply, but the words got stuck in his throat. He swallowed heavily, then tried again. “You’re here.”

He didn’t know what he must have sounded like, but Merlin’s whole posture shifted, and something unfamiliar flickered across his face. He pulled the key out of the lock, stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Smiling nervously, Merlin walked to the sofa and dropped the keys on the table in front of Arthur.

“I’m sorry. I know I said I’d be here when you woke up, but... I couldn’t sleep.” He bit his lip. “I went for a walk, then thought I’d get us some breakfast and coffee. Knew it would do you good to get something solid into your stomach.” He put the paper bag on the table and took one cup from the holder, handing it to Arthur who took it on autopilot. “I realized I didn’t even know what you drink,” Merlin continued, “but I remember that it was something milky so I hazarded a guess and got you a latte. There’s a tuna melt toastie in the bag, by the way.” A crease appeared between his brows. “If I knew you’d be up so early, I’d have left a note or something.”

Arthur could do nothing but stare.

Merlin was here. He hadn’t left, he’d just gone for a walk and had come back with breakfast and a coffee for Arthur. _He hadn’t left._

“Um...” _Wow, very coherent, Arthur._

Merlin must have taken his hesitation the wrong way and rushed to explain further. “Oh, sorry about taking your keys without asking you first, but you were... asleep... obviously.” He visibly cringed at hearing himself speak, shoulders sagging tiredly. “I hoped you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t,” Arthur said hurriedly. Merlin was doing all this for him, no way was Arthur gonna let him think he’d done something wrong. “That’s... very nice of you. I appreciate it, really.” He made himself hold Merlin’s gaze, hoping Merlin knew Arthur meant it. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Merlin mumbled, looking away first when Arthur didn’t. “You’re welcome.”

Arthur managed a small smile and took a sip of his coffee, sighing happily as it slid down his throat and settled warmly in his belly. “God, yes.”

“Is it good?” Merlin asked, a bit breathless.

Arthur nodded vehemently. “It’s coffee, of course it’s good.”

“Well, you can mess up-”

“Don’t.” Arthur held up a hand. “Just get yours and sit down.”

Slowly, Merlin did as told and sat down on the sofa, further away from Arthur than necessary. Arthur refused to mention it.

“Just for future reference,” Merlin began, “how do you take your coffee?”

Future reference. Future reference implied that... that Merlin was planning on hanging around, right? He wasn’t planning on cutting Arthur out of his life and running away from him as far as possible. Right?

With renewed hope, Arthur answered, “I’m actually not fussy about coffee. I usually go for cappuccino, sans chocolate. I get flat white when I need a pick-me-up.”

“Can you really call it cappuccino when there’s no chocolate, though?” Merlin questioned teasingly, successfully earning a grunt from Arthur.

“Not you too, Brutus.”

And just like that, it was like nothing had happened. They fell back into their easy banter, working through their breakfast and sipping coffee.

Arthur knew they would have to talk about what’d happened at some point, although a big part of him wished they could just forget about it.

Sure enough, Merlin brought _the thing_ up after they finished eating.

“I don’t like this any more than you do,” Merlin said with genuine displeasure, “but you do know we can’t just let this hang over our heads, right? Not if we want to...” He cut himself off, gesturing between the two of them.

Arthur nodded solemnly. “If we want to stay friends,” he finished for Merlin.

“Yeah.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Want to stay friends?” Arthur asked, hating how the sole possibility that Merlin might not... might _not want to_ caused a hole to open in his chest.

“Of course,” Merlin answered without hesitation, frowning in confusion. “Don’t you want-”

“I do!” Arthur blurted out. “I do, I just... I wasn’t sure you would. Not after...” _Not after the shit I pulled_ went unsaid.

“That’s why I want to talk about it. So we can put it behind us,” Merlin explained emphatically. A corner of his mouth tugged up. “It would take a lot more for you to get rid of me, Arthur.”

It was said lightheartedly, but Arthur knew Merlin meant every word. An invisible weight lifted off Arthur’s shoulders.

“I can’t decide whether that’s a promise, or a threat,” Arthur joked.

“I suppose time will tell.” Merlin winked at him. After that, the playful demeanor was gone. “Can you tell me what happened yesterday, Arthur?” Merlin started, then specified. “Obviously, I know what had happened prior to me coming over. I know you were upset, you were hurt. And possibly a bit drunk.” Arthur didn’t bother correcting him on the latter. “But I thought... I honestly thought I had made myself clear.”

“About what?” Arthur asked, unsure what Merlin was hinting at.

“That I never thought you were broken. Or that there’s something wrong with you.” Merlin gave him an earnest look. “You know that, right?”

“I do.” It was the truth. “But my brain didn’t get the memo,” Arthur laughed self-deprecatingly. “It means so much to me that you treat me like I’m normal, it really does.” He huffed in irritation. “But you’re just one person. Everyone else thinks the opposite. Hell, I think the opposite, it’s what I’m used to. And it feels like whenever a take a step forward, something happens that drags me two steps back.”

“That’s how healing works, Arthur. It’s not a straight line up. It’s a series of ups and downs, but eventually it does get better. If you keep at it.”

“Healing? Healing what?” Arthur asked confusedly. “It’s not like I’ve been traumatized.”

“You have, though.”

His confusion deepening, Arthur blinked at Merlin. “I don’t understand.”

“Okay, here’s how I see it,” Merlin said and turned bodily towards Arthur. “Ever since your friends, or peers, or whoever you grew up with, started dating, had crushes, had sex, you’ve been wondering what was wrong with you. Because you hadn’t done any of those things.” Merlin paused, giving Arthur a pointed look, so Arthur nodded in agreement. Merlin wasn’t wrong. “It wasn’t too bad at first, but it got worse when others started questioning you and later on pressured you to do the same.”

“Yes.” God, those first years were fucking hard!

“And maybe at first you managed to dodge their intrusive questions and attempts to hook you up with someone. But we both know it didn’t stay like that.”

“No.” Arthur shivered at the memories.

“And if I had to guess, I would guess that the reason you gave in was because you didn’t want to lose your friends. And you thought that’s what would happen if you didn’t fit in.”

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut when they started to burn. _For fuck’s sake, will this ever stop?!_

“Do you see it now?”

“See what?” See that he’d gone through a shitty time growing up? That he had never felt so alone as he did when he was with other people? Seeing other people do what he couldn’t, what he wouldn’t? Unable to feel what others felt? Like there was just a blank space, a missing part inside him and no matter how much he tried, he could never find the missing puzzle piece?

“What I meant about trauma,” Merlin replied. “Your boundaries have been crossed so many times there’s no point trying to count it. And that usually results in lack of trust. Feeling like you have to do something to ensure you belong somewhere equals abandonment. And,” Merlin hesitated. “You will probably hate me for saying this, but having people force themselves on you, like those girls did,” He paused then, and Arthur heard the silent _how I did._ “That’s a form of rape.”

Arthur’s body immediately locked up in response to hearing that word, to associating that word with himself. That’s not what had happened!

Was it?

“Arthur?” Merlin said worriedly.

“That’s not-... they didn’t-...”

“Arthur.”

“That’s not what happened,” Arthur said finally, shaking his head resolutely. “They didn’t even... we weren’t-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Merlin tried gently. “It wasn’t consensual, is what I’m saying.”

“I didn’t tell them to stop. Not right away.”

“But they didn’t ask you if you wanted it, did they?”

Arthur remained silent. What could he say to that?

Sighing, Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “And neither did I.”

Okay, that was it. Arthur would chop his own hand off before he let Merlin believe he had done _that_ to Arthur. “Stop it.”

“Arthur...”

“Don’t _Arthur_ me!” Arthur demanded irritatedly. “I know what happened, I was there! And yeah, I was confused. And yeah, I still kinda am. But I know what happened and I know what most certainly didn’t happen!” Desperate to get his point across, Arthur outstretched his hand and wrapped his fingers around Merlin’s wrist, forcing him to make eye contact. “I made some bad choices, a lot of bad choices. And I know you wish you did things differently back then, too.” Merlin nodded wordlessly. “But what happened, however fucked up it was, you _did not_ force yourself on me. And when I asked you to stop, you did.” He gave Merlin’s wrist a squeeze. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad it happened.”

“What?” Merlin yelped in surprise, his eyes like saucers.

“I know that as far as first meetings go, this probably isn’t in anyone’s top ten. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not in my top ten either.” He chuckled weakly and Merlin echoed it. “But it brought us together and I’m really, really grateful that you’re in my life. Before I met you, I had no idea what was going on with me. And even if we met under different circumstances, I still probably wouldn’t know. If we just met and became friends straight away, no drama, we wouldn’t get to talk about this. Hell, without you, none of my friends would know either. I wouldn’t know what to say, how to explain.” Merlin’s eyes softened the more Arthur spoke and it only served to encourage him to go on. “You’ve done more for me than anyone ever had. And if the price is that we had to get off to such a rocky start, then I was happy to pay it. It got us here.” Licking his lips, Arthur withdrew his hand and dropped it into his lap, ducking his head.

“Arthur,” Merlin said, and Arthur could hear his voice crack.

“About yesterday,” Arthur interjected, sure he wouldn’t be able to withstand whatever Merlin was about to say. He was barely holding on as it was. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain how sorry I am. No matter how emotional I was, no matter what had happened prior to that, I should’ve never done that to you.” He lifted his head and found Merlin staring intently at him, soaking up his every word. “I know you l-like me,” he admitted sheepishly. The blush of Merlin’s cheeks was confirmation enough. “I like you, too.”

“But you don’t _like_ like me.”

“I thought I could have,” Arthur replied quietly. “I wanted to like you like that. God, Merlin, you are,” he swept a hand through the space between them. “You’re amazing. You’re kind, and respectful, and funny. And you get along with my friends, and listen to my ramblings, and you,” he laughed in disbelief. “You bring me bloody breakfast and coffee, even after all I’ve done to you. I’ve known you for all of three days and you’re already the best friend I‘ve ever had.” He stopped there, unsure of how to proceed.

After a minute of silence, Merlin took over. “I’m glad you think so,” he said honestly, and when Arthur looked at him, he found him smiling. “But you have to know, Arthur, that how I feel is not your responsibility. I don’t expect anything from you. I never will.”

“But you should!” Arthur disagreed. “You should, Merlin. And I... I should like you like that. I mean, you’re bloody perfect. If I don’t feel like that about you, how will I ever feel like that about anyone?”

“Arthur...”

“It won’t happen again,” Arthur jumped in. “I promise. I’m sorry about what I did yesterday and you have my word it won’t repeat.”

For all the worry Arthur felt, it turned out he could have saved himself the trouble. Merlin was nothing but sympathetic. “It’s forgotten.”

“Not on my part,” Arthur laughed bitterly. “But thank you anyway.” He peered at Merlin curiously. “Are you sure you want to be friends? I mean, since you like me... _like_ like me.”

Merlin chuckled good-naturedly. “Believe it or not, I enjoy your company, no matter if it comes with certain perks or not.”

Blushing furiously, Arthur turned away. “Okay. As long as you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“Let me know if it changes though.” _So I can brace myself for that abandonment you talked about._

“It won’t.”

Despite his better judgement, Arthur believed him. “Okay.”

* * *

Against all odds, things got back to normal. Not just with Merlin, but also with Arthur’s friends. To his relief, and more than significant amount of apprehension, Arthur received a call from Gwaine shortly after Merlin left on Monday. Gwaine was apologetic about what happened at the pub and asked Arthur to meet with them later that day, so they could sort it out. As much as Arthur appreciated the gesture, he didn’t feel like going out and suggested everyone come to his place instead.

It worked out. Gwen and Elyan were the only ones who couldn’t make it, as they were working until close. Lance did come, though, having heard what had happened from Elyan. By default, Gwen must have known too, then. Arthur would talk to them later, ease their minds so they wouldn’t worry about him.

As eager as his friends were to make things right, Arthur had no interest in explaining himself again. Not twice in such a short amount of time, at least. He accepted their apology and promised to forget all about it. It was probably Merlin who inspired him to do so.

In return, Arthur made everyone promise the subject wouldn’t be brought up unless he himself brought it up, even if that was more unlikely than getting hit by a shooting star. He also made them pinky swear they would put a stop to trying to hook him up with people, or even set him up on dates. Although reluctant, and not entirely happy, everyone agreed to Arthur’s conditions. They didn’t have much choice, really. Not if they wanted to remain friends.

It wasn’t Arthur’s turn to host, it wasn’t even Saturday, but as a sign of peace, they all watched an episode of the BBT. By the time the credits rolled, they were back to their old selves. It was the best Arthur would get, so he took it.

As for Merlin, Arthur didn’t see him on Tuesday. He texted Merlin to tell him about what had happened on Monday, after he’d left Arthur’s place. The excitement Merlin expressed in his text, telling Arthur how happy he was for him, made Arthur feel kind of fuzzy. He didn’t know what to make of it.

They had a shift together that Wednesday, so naturally Arthur was beside himself with nerves. Since it was a weekday, and thus not too busy, it was just the two of them for the day.

It went surprisingly smoothly. Despite Merlin’s constant reassurances that he’d forgiven Arthur and left the past in the past, Arthur couldn’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop. And if not that, then he at least expected his interaction with Merlin to become strained at best, and resentful at worst.

As it was, Arthur was proven wrong on all fronts. Merlin was nothing but professional when it came to work. When it came to Arthur, he acted the same as he had before. In fact, if Arthur wasn’t mistaken (which he probably was), Merlin was even more gentle and open with him. That’s not to say he was tiptoeing around Arthur. Their time together was filled with teasing and bad jokes. On occasion, they would share this deep, meaningful look. Arthur wasn’t sure what the meaning actually was, he just knew it was somehow important.

Their next shift was on Friday, and since it was practically the weekend, they needed a third person. And that’s how Merlin met George, who’d just returned from his vacation in Caribic, sporting a tan that didn’t suit him at all.

To say the shift was tense was an understatement. Up until now, Arthur had been under the impression Merlin got along with anyone. And he did, probably. But there’s an exception to every rule, right? Apparently, George was the exception in this case.

Arthur himself didn’t feel strongly about George. He didn’t dislike him, but he definitely enjoyed working with Gwen and Elyan, and now Merlin, way more. George wasn’t too bad. He did his job well. Although he wasn’t very keen on making coffee, he had outstanding, if a bit over the top, customer service. It worked for Arthur, who was the exact opposite. Unfortunately, George was also incredibly... bland, as far as personality went.

As for George himself, he was mostly indifferent to everyone and everything. Well, everything except his job. However, to Arthur’s dismay, he didn’t seem to be very fond of Merlin either. Despite not having said so verbally, Arthur noticed the out of the corner of his eye looks he kept shooting Merlin, basically giving him a stink eye, no matter what Merlin was doing at that moment.

When the shift was over, Arthur could only let out a huge sigh of relief. _Is this what having two kids who can’t stand each other feels like?_

Merlin meeting Elena was a complete 180. Similarly to his first meeting with Gwen, the two got along straight off the bat. When Arthur thought about it, it was no wonder. After all, they were both a bit crazy and more than a little dorky. Since Arthur was fond of Elena, despite having to take her in small doses to maintain his sanity, he was grateful they got along so well.

The following week was one of the best Arthur had experienced in ages. There were more get-togethers, the only difference was that Merlin was there, too. At first, Arthur was a bit concerned. His friends had promised they would drop the matter, but would they really be able to hold themselves back?

It turned out Arthur didn’t need to worry. True to their word, everybody acted as if nothing had happened, and as though Merlin had been a part of their group all along.

It warmed Arthur more than he expected. More than he dared to think about.

For the first time in a long time, Arthur felt like everything was right in the world. Like the puzzle pieces were starting to come back together.

He just hoped it would last.

To everyone’s bewilderment, Merlin offered to host the next marathon at his flat. Percy and Elyan requested to watch something else than the BBT, too fed up with it by now, so Merlin suggested Gilmore Girls.

GG was Arthur’s guilty pleasure no one knew about. Well, no one except for Morgana. She also didn’t hesitate to use the information for blackmailing Arthur when she needed something.

Finding out that Merlin was a fan was a serious plot twist for Arthur. He finally found someone he could gush about the show to!

Needless to say, Merlin’s suggestion was met with a boisterous laugh and more than a little teasing. However, Merlin, who turned out to be a skilled manipulator, convinced them to give it a shot. Just to humor him, they eventually agreed on watching the first episode.

Except when the episode finished, nobody complained that Merlin let the second one play. And then the third. And the fourth. And before they knew it, they had watched six episodes, only realizing the time when Gwen started loudly yawning.

“Holy shit, I so did not see that coming!” Gwaine exclaimed with disbelief. “This was great!”

“Told you,” Merlin smirked, stretching his hands over his head and letting out a yawn as well. “So... next Saturday?”

“I don’t think I can wait that long,” Percy huffed in frustration. “I want to know what happens next!”

“Someone’s hooked,” Gwen giggled.

“I second this,” Leon joined in. “Can we have another marathon in the middle of the week?”

“I don’t think everyone can make it on a week night,” Elyan pointed out. “But what about Sunday?”

“Like... this Sunday? Tomorrow?” Leon asked and Elyan nodded. “Oh. Okay! I’m in!”

“I can do Sunday,” Lance agreed, looking at Gwen for confirmation.

“Me, too.”

“Sign me up!” Gwaine announced cheerfully.

“Same,” said Percy.

“Well, you’re all welcome here tomorrow,” Merlin decided. “Arthur?” he called to get his attention. “Are you coming?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here,” Arthur answered, feeling his pulse quicken when Merlin sent him a proud smile.

Sunday couldn’t come fast enough. Arthur had never been this excited about Gilmore Girls. How strange.

* * *

Their next Wednesday shift was almost over, they just needed to set the alarm up and switch the lights off.

Arthur was in the middle of punching the alarm code into the keyboard when he remembered to take out the trash.

“Shit, I forgot about that,” he grumbled.

“What?” Merlin asked from the door.

“Forgot to take out the trash. Give me a sec.”

“I’ll help,” Merlin said, already walking towards Arthur to empty the bins.

“Wanna take the recycle?”

“Sure,” Merlin replied and reached for one of the bin bags.

They made their way to the dumpsters around the corner. Merlin threw his bag into the yellow one, then held the top of the red one up for Arthur.

“God, I hate the smell.” Arthur wrinkled his nose.

“It’s a garbage disposal, Arthur, it’s not supposed to smell of roses,” Merlin teased playfully.

“It could, though.”

“Sure, sure,” Merlin laughed, then stopped abruptly. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Arthur frowned.

“It was like...” Merlin trailed off, listening intently.

A weak, whiny sound echoed in the ally.

“That!”

“Yeah,” Arthur nodded. “What’s that?”

“It sounds like-”

“ _Meow_.”

“Is that a cat?” Arthur looked around himself. “I don’t see it.”

“Oh, God,” Merlin gasped, horrified. “Arthur, I think-”

“ _Meow_.”

“Shit!” Merlin threw himself against the dumpster Arthur just put the trash in and started rummaging through its contents.

“Merlin?” Arthur asked, nearly questioning Merlin’s sanity. Then he realized. “Fuck. You think it’s-”

“Somewhere in here, yeah.”

Following Merlin’s example, as reluctant as he was, Arthur lifted the top from the other half and started looking. It was no longer than half a minute when Merlin all but yelled, “Found it!” And proceed to pull a tiny, dirty ball of fur from the garbage. “Oh, my God,” he choked out.

“Is it alive?”

“I hope so. It was making noise just a minute ago,” Merlin said shakily, inspecting the kitten that fit snugly into his hand.

“ _Meow_.”

“Oh, thank fuck.” Merlin exhaled in relief, bringing the kitten to his eye level. “Who did this to you?” He sounded pained, and Arthur could relate.

“People are sick,” he said with disdain and stepped closer to Merlin so he could have a look. “What do we do?”

“She needs help,” Merlin stated the obvious, reaching into his pocket with his free hand. “I’ll call Freya.”

Arthur recognized the name. “Your friend? She’s a vet?” Merlin nodded, pulling up his contact list. “I don’t think she’ll be open so late.”

Ignoring Arthur’s comment, Merlin dialed the number. Arthur heard it ring three times, Merlin’s foot tapping impatiently. Finally, Freya picked up.

“Hey! Are you at the clinic?”

Freya replied and Merlin frowned. “I have a situation,” he said and proceeded to explain the said situation. “God, I love you! Thank you so much! I’m on my way.” He hung up and looked at Arthur. “She’s at home, but will come to the clinic to have a look at him. Or her.” He lifted the kitten again and gave it a sweet smile. “It will be alright, little one, I’ll take care of you.”

Arthur had always known Merlin was a kind person. Gentle, even. Someone who went out of his way to help others, even when he didn’t know them.

That being said, never had he seen Merlin like this, so soft and vulnerable.

Arthur was overcome with a sudden urge to protect him.

“I’m coming with,” he said resolutely and started walking back to the shop, pulling Merlin by his T-shirt. “Just let me lock up.”

“Really? You don’t have to, though.”

“I want to,” he said honestly. “I’d rather drive you while you hold him. Her. Whatever. Better than having you drive and end up in a ditch, or hit a lampost because you were to worried about the kitten.”

“Can’t argue with that. That sounds like something I’d do.”

“That’s not funny, Merlin!” Arthur bristled, unimpressed with Merlin’s attempt at humor.

“You started it!”

“Just... shut up and get in the car,” he instructed and pressed the button on his car keys to open the car. He disappeared in the shop, grabbed a few tea towels from the pile behind the counter, set the alarm up and locked the door behind him. He walked to the car and slid into the drivers seat, finding Merlin nestled comfortably in the passengers seat, seat-belt fastened and the kitten sleeping peacefully in the cradle of his large hands.

“Here.” He motioned for Merlin to take the tea towels from him. “I don’t have a blanket, or a hoodie, but you can use this to warm him up.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, a dumbstruck expression on his face as he took the tea towels from Arthur. “That was smart. And very thoughtful.” He smiled at Arthur appreciatively.

“Just common sense,” Arthur mumbled, feeling blush creeping up. He busied himself with putting the key in the ignition and starting the car. He pulled up his phone, holding it out to Merlin. “Can you put the address in the GPS?”

“Sure.” Twenty seconds later, Merlin gave him the phone back. “There.”

“Thanks,” Arthur replied. He attached the phone to the holder, briefly inspecting the road he was about to take. He turned to look at Merlin who was sitting silently and brushing the top of the kitten’s head gently with his thumb. His expression was a combination of fond and hurt, and Arthur felt his heart break for him a little.

“It will be okay, Merlin,” he said with as much conviction as he could muster.

“Yeah,” Merlin replied weakly. “I know.”

Without wasting any more time, Arthur started to drive.

* * *

Freya arrived to the clinic just as Arthur parked his car.

“Impeccable timing,” she said brightly as she got out of the car. Arthur didn’t know what he had expected, but it wasn’t a girl who looked even younger than him.

“Thank you so much for doing this, Freya.” Merlin rushed to her, pulling her into a half-hug as to not crush the kitten.

“Any time, Merlin. And not just because of your pretty face, but because I love helping these little sweethearts,” she cooed as she ducked her head for inspection. “Let’s get our little patient inside, shall we?” She started for the entrance and stopped when she finally noticed Arthur, who had been standing quietly until now. Arthur watched as she squinted in confusion, then it disappeared, replaced by a wide smile. “Let me guess. You’re Arthur.”

“Yes?” Arthur mirrored her previous expression. “And you’re Freya.”

“Indeed, I am.” She smirked. “Come on in.” She went for the door again, so Arthur took the opportunity to shoot Merlin a questioning look, only to find the man blushing.

Why was Merlin... oh. _Oh_.

“You coming or what?” Freya called from the inside, lights already on.

“Y-yeah!” Merlin stuttered and rushed after her, avoiding Arthur’s gaze.

So... Merlin had talked about him. To his friends.

It should probably make Arthur uneasy. Really, it should.

Instead, he felt something flutter in his chest.

* * *

“Well, the good news is she’ll live,” Freya announced as she finished with the assessment.

“It’s a girl?” Merlin asked at the same time as Arthur said, “What’s the bad news?”

“Yeah, a girl, about three months old.”

“Three months?” Merlin yelped in disbelief. “She’s so tiny!”

“That’s the bad news.” She nodded to Arthur. “Wherever she came from, whoever had her before, they didn’t feed her properly. And apparently, her mom wasn’t around to feed her either, or she didn’t want to. It happens, sometimes. Animals can be cruel, too,” she explained solemnly, patting the kitten fondly. “Her body didn’t have enough energy and nutrients for her to grow as she should have. She also has a severe cold. Let’s hope it doesn’t develop into pneumonia.”

“A cold?” Arthur questioned. “It’s summer.”

“It’s summer in the UK,” Freya huffed a laugh. “And nights get pretty cold. Especially for a kitten whose body doesn’t have enough fat and other resources to thermoregulate. She’s lucky you found her.” She turned to Merlin, smiling sadly. “I’m not sure how many more nights she would’ve survived like that.”

“I swear,” Merlin said through gritted teeth, “if I knew who did this to her I would fucking tear them apart.”

Although Arthur couldn’t really imagine Merlin getting violent, he found his protective streak endearing. Not that he would allow Merlin to literally tear someone apart, but he would happily hold those fuckers immobile while Merlin punched the living daylights out of them.

“Can I hold her?” Merlin asked, and outstretched his open hands when Freya gave him a go-ahead. He scooped the kitten up carefully and brought her to his face, nuzzling into her fur despite how dirty she was. “God, you stink, girl. Need to give you a proper bath,” he laughed, then took a hasty breath and sneezed. “Do you have a tissue? I feel like I’m about to get runny nose.”

Freya snatched a few tissues from the box on the counter behind her and handed them to Merlin.

“Thanks,” Merlin said gratefully.

“Are you okay?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah, ‘m fine. It’s nothing.”

Was it Arthur’s imagination or was Merlin being strangely dismissive?

“Merlin,” Freya said suspiciously. “Are you allergic to cats?”

“Used to be,” Merlin shrugged, looking anywhere but Freya. “A little. I’m fine now.”

“Merlin, allergies don’t just go away.”

“I’m not really allergic. I just sneeze a little and my eyes water sometimes,” he defended petulantly, and sneezed again.

“You just described an allergy.”

“I’m fine!” he bristled, shocking the hell out of Arthur with the sharp tone. “I’m fine. I can be around cats.” He stroked behind the kittens ear. “I can take care of her.”

“Merlin,” Freya tried again, more gentle this time. “I get it, I really do. And while it’s not life-threatening, your immunity will be compromised if you take her home with you. Even if she’s not always around you, cat hair gets everywhere. It sticks to your pillows, might get in your food.”

“I’ll just overdose on Zyrtec, then,” Merlin shrugged, like it didn’t bother him at all. Arthur didn’t like his indifference any more than Freya did.

“That can’t be healthy,” Arthur argued.

“Well, it will have to do,” Merlin insisted, cradling the kitten close to his chest as though one of them was about to take her away. “I won’t let her go to a shelter. She wouldn’t survive it.”

“No, she wouldn’t,” Freya agreed.

Arthur didn’t really have a choice, did he? He didn’t want Merlin to feel constantly under the weather because his immune system wouldn’t get a break. And he couldn’t possibly leave the poor girl to a shelter when it was sure she would die there.

“I can take her.”

Merlin whipped his head towards him so abruptly Arthur was worried he got a whiplash. “What?”

“I can take her home with me,” he repeated. “And you can come over whenever you want, live through some sneezing and runny nose, and then go back home and give your system a break. It’s a win-win.”

“Sounds good to me,” Freya replied, giving Arthur a proud smile.

Merlin kept staring at him. He looked at the kitten, then at Arthur again. “And you wouldn’t mind?”

Arthur shrugged. “I mean, I couldn’t keep my cactus alive, but if you’re there, I should be fine.”

Merlin started tearing up and Arthur suspected that this time the allergy was not at fault. “I’d like that.”

“Brilliant!” Freya exclaimed, clasping her hands together. “I congratulate you on your first baby. I’m sure you’ll be a happy family.”

“Freya,” Merlin said warningly, giving Arthur a nervous glance from the corner of his eye.

“Anyway,” Freya continued as if she hadn’t heard him, “I’ll need to talk you both through the medication you’ll be giving her for the next week. I’ll want to have a look at her again then. You need to get stuff for her, too. I’ll give you a few things I’ve got lying around here. You can have those until you get her new ones.”

“That would be great. Thanks, Freya,” Merlin said softly.

“No problem.” She began giving them instructions on how to take care of their new friend, presenting them with a bottle of eye drops, some pills, and a few cans of special food.

“I’ll pay you for all of this, of course,” Merlin promised.

“There’s no need,” Freya replied.

“No, I will,” he insisted. Freya prepared herself to say something else before Merlin cut her off. “At least let me pay you for the food and medicine, if not for your time.”

Sighing in resignation, Freya relented. “Fine.”

Ten minutes later, they were stocked up on cat food and some basic equipment. Arthur put everything in the trunk while Merlin made his way to the front seat with the kitten.

“You should name her,” Arthur prompted as he took his seat.

“Oh. Yeah,” Merlin realized. “Any suggestions?”

“Not really. And you’re the one who found her, so technically you’re the mama.”

Merlin wasn’t impressed. “Haha, very funny.”

“I know. I try.”

“I can tell.”

“So... the name?”

Merlin went silent for a couple minutes, a look of stern concentration on his face.

“Oh,” he said with a gasp. “What about Aithusa?”

“Ai-thu-sa?” Arthur repeated slowly. “Well, it’s certainly original.”

“It’s really not,” Merlin chuckled. “I used to read these books when I was a kid. They were about witches and sorcerers. And dragons.” He smiled as he recalled the memory. “Aithusa was one of the dragons. She was my favorite.”

 _Such a dork_ , Arthur thought affectionately.

“I think it’s perfect.” He knew it had been the right thing to say when Merlin’s face lit up like the sun.

* * *

Merlin made a beeline for the bathroom the minute they got home and immediately started on washing the dirt and grime of Aithusa’s fur. Considering she was a cat, she didn’t protest much. Arthur suspected it was because Merlin was the one doing it.

“Oh, my God!” Merlin yelled as the first layer of grime came off.

“What?”

“She’s white!”

“Oh. Yeah.” Arthur didn’t get it.

“The dragon in the books! She was white too!”

“Ah, I see,” Arthur said, chuckling at Merlin’s unconcealed delight. “Meant to be, huh?”

“Oh, yes.”

When Merlin finished washing her, Arthur assisted with drying her up, even going as far as using a hairdryer on her.

“I can’t believe you have a hairdryer,” Merlin pressed out through his giggles.

“Why? It’s a standard thing to have!” Arthur defended petulantly, pouting when Merlin didn’t stop taking the piss.

They tried to feed Aithusa some of the food Freya had recommended for the first few days, to avoid upsetting her digestion with regular stuff. She didn’t eat much, but it was better than nothing. They left the rest of the food in the bowl and placed another bowl filled with water next to it.

Merlin carried her to the living room and put Aithusa in her bed, getting a stuffed toy for her, just so she wouldn’t feel lonely.

Arthur thought she wouldn’t feel lonely anyway, not when Merlin was there with her. He left Merlin with her and went to fix up a quick, simple dinner.

Fifteen minutes later, he was walking towards Merlin and offering him a plate.

“Here,” he said and plopped down next to him on the floor with his own plate.

“Where did you get this?” Merlin asked, oblivious.

“Seriously?” Arthur rolled his eyes. “I spent the past twenty minutes cooking. Even if you didn’t register the noise, you must have smelled it.”

Merlin shrugged sheepishly.

“Jesus,” Arthur shook his head. “You get a new baby and the rest of the world doesn’t exist, huh?”

“I can’t say I’m sorry.” Merlin beamed at him.

“No, of course not,” Arthur grumbled. “Eat your dinner.”

“It smells amazing, though, now that I’m paying attention. What is it?”

“I’d like to say it’s spaghetti bolognaise, but I only had macaroni pasta, so I improvised. It’s pretty much just that, and mince, and tomato puree. And spices.”

Merlin took his first bite, letting out an appreciative moan. “Well, Arthur, you will make a great wife one day.”

Of course, Arthur knew that Merlin was only teasing. He did know that! And yet, the harmless comment had awoken something in him. Not the wife comment, Jesus! Arthur was not a girl. Obviously. It was just... he didn’t know what it was, exactly. But the idea of cooking for Merlin, of taking care of Merlin, of... of _coming home to Merlin_. And to Aithusa.

It felt good. It felt _right_.

Arthur must have spaced out for a bit, because when he looked up, Merlin was nearly finished with his meal. While Arthur hadn’t even started on his. Sure enough, it only took a minute before Merlin was putting the empty plate down, smiling at Arthur toothily.

“Thanks, Arthur. I didn’t realize how hungry I was. With all that happened in the past few hours.”

Arthur didn’t reply, still lost in the whirlwind of his mind. Why was he thinking about coming home to Merlin? That would imply living together. Right? Why would he think about that?

“Arthur?” Merlin asked worriedly when Arthur remained silent.

Arthur snapped his head up, wide eyes locked onto Merlin’s before they dropped to his lips, seemingly of their own accord.

He had kissed those lips before. More than once, actually. He knew what it felt like. He knew what it didn’t feel like. He remembered kissing them despite not wanting to.

So why did he feel compelled to lean in and do it again?

“Arthur?” Merlin repeated.

Arthur startled, pulled back from his daze. “What?”

“Are you okay? You haven’t touched your food.”

Right. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just not that hungry.” He was starving.

Without his permission, his eyes found Merlin’s mouth again, just this time they registered a tiny, red mark at the top of Merlin’s upper lip, presumably from the tomato sauce.

Instead of pointing it out to Merlin, as anyone in their right mind would, Arthur watched his hand raise up and reach out towards Merlin, wiping the mark away with his thumb. He felt more than heard Merlin’s breath hitch.

That’s what finally snapped Arthur out of the strange spell he’d been under. He pulled his hand back as though the touch of Merlin’s skin had burned him, appalled by his own actions.

“Sorry,” he blurted. “You had a little,” he gestured over his own mouth, “from the pasta.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Merlin mumbled, avoiding looking at Arthur. His cheeks were tinged pink, Arthur noticed, and the flush had spread to his neck and ears, too.

Hoping to eat away his rising panic, Arthur shoved the pasta down his throat hastily, crossing his fingers it wouldn’t come back up right away. He left Merlin with Aithusa under the excuse of having to wash the dishes.

Maybe he was just imagining it, but Arthur would swear he felt the air in the room shift. He did his best to ignore it.

It was getting late and Merlin still needed to go back to the shop to pick up his car. Arthur offered to drive him, but Merlin refused, claiming that Arthur should get some sleep and look after Aithusa.

They decided to put her bed next to Arthur’s so he could keep an eye on her, or hear if something was wrong. She even got her personal hot water bottle to keep her warm, and to prevent her cold from developing into pneumonia, just as Freya had warned.

Arthur gave Merlin an on-going invitation to visit Aithusa any time he wanted.

“Wait,” Arthur said while Merlin was putting his shoes on, and separated one key from his key ring. “Here.” He offered it to Merlin.

“Is that-”

“A key to my flat, yeah,” Arthur admitted, scratching the back of his neck. “Thought it might be easier for you if you have one. You know, in case I’m working and you’re not, and you want to see her.”

Rendered speechless, Merlin curled his fingers protectively around the key, looking at Arthur with glassy eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know you’re welcome here. Always.”

A barely-there whimper made it past Merlin’s lips and he swayed forward as though he was about to hug Arthur, but came to a stop.

Fuck this. Arthur could do a hug. He deserved a hug. Hell, he wanted one, too!

Taking initiative, he took one step forward, opened his arms and wrapped them around Merlin.

Merlin made a surprised sound, but his own arms came up and around Arthur without hesitation, pulling him closer to his chest.

Arthur had expected himself to pull away, as he always did when it felt like the hug was going on for too long. Anything longer than three seconds was too long, really.

They had most definitely been hugging for longer than three seconds.

And yet, Arthur didn’t want to let go.

It was even more shocking when it turned out to be Merlin who released Arthur first.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. All of it.”

Arthur had some idea. “Well, I think it’s time I give back all that you have given me.”

“You don’t owe me, Arthur,” Merlin disagreed.

“It doesn’t matter,” Arthur countered. “I’d do this for you anyway.”

Instead of replying, Merlin pulled him into another hug, although it was brief.

“For the record, I’m quite positive I’d do anything for you, if you asked,” he whispered against Arthur’s neck. Between one second and the next, Merlin let go and was half-way out of the door before Arthur could think of something to say. “Good night, Arthur.”

The door shut closed behind him, leaving dumbstruck Arthur rooted to the spot. What was he supposed to do now?

 _“Meow._ ”

Right.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, we did it! We're here! The end of the road.  
> And guess what - it's disgustingly fluffy. I needed to make up for the angst I unleashed in the previous chapters :D
> 
> And I'm sending big hugs to **mother_of_lions** , my amazing beta who's been patiently tagging along and putting up with me and my babling. You crafted this story into something really beautiful and I love you for it <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to skip this rant of mine, but I just wanted to say how grateful I am that you stuck with me throughout this whole story. When I first started writing it, I had no idea what a healing experience it would be for me. You've been wonderful and I'm so happy that this fic has helped some of you understand yourselves better. 
> 
> Those who are familiar with my work know that my stories aways have a happy end. I know that real life doesn't always work like that, it rarely does, but this is the power of writing - you can create your own version of reality. So I dedicate this story, this chapter especially, to each and every one of you, and hope you find your happy end, your missing piece, too <3

Logically, Arthur knew that having a furry friend live with you came with a price, both mental and financial. He expected doing vet-runs every now and then, at least in the beginning. He expected familiarizing himself with the pet-aisle at the supermarket. He expected vacuuming way more often than he was used to.

He didn’t expect being on the verge of mental and physical breakdown.

As cute as Aithusa was, she’d proven to be a pain in the ass. Her initially cute meowing had turned into full-blown screeching in no time, ever since she’d started getting better. Arthur soon learned to be up at the ass crack of dawn to feed the little tyrant. It was better than the alternative: being roughly woken up by a monstrous screaming next to his ear, and more often than not, by a brutal slap to his face.

Aithusa also turned out to be a terrible destroyer. Her teeth and claws were lethal weapons. The sofa probably got the worst of it. Still, Arthur would sacrifice the sofa to save his own skin, quite literally. His hands and forearms were covered in scratches and bite-marks, giving the impression that Arthur was either a chef or worked with heavy machinery.

To top it all off, Arthur was convinced Aithusa had a bipolar disorder. The little minx positively hated Arthur, hissing and screaming every time he dared approach her. That didn’t stop her from demanding Arthur’s attention and forcing him to play with her. Or more accurately, make him chase her around the flat, only to latch onto his leg when he finally caught up with her and sink her claws into his flesh.

So yeah, Arthur was fucking tired. And aching! Honestly, if it wasn’t for Merlin and the way he lit up like a Christmas tree every time he played with Aithusa, Arthur would throw in the towel.

And of course, whenever Arthur complained to Merlin, the oblivious dork would just give him this smitten smile, successfully squashing all the protest Arthur was ready to unleash.

Naturally, the furry monster loved Merlin to bits.

“I think you need to bond with her more,” Merlin suggested, scratching Aithusa under her chin, earning a loud purr.

“She hates my guts,” Arthur objected sulkily. This was only the second sentence Merlin had said to him since he’d arrived at Arthur’s flat. Typical. Of course Aithusa would get all the attention. She wasn’t even doing anything!

“No, she doesn’t,” Merlin countered. “You don’t hate Arthur, do you, girl?” he asked in a cooing voice.

“ _Meow.”_

“See?” Merlin said excitedly, beaming at Arthur.

Arthur rolled his eyes, fighting a smile. “I doubt she understands you.”

“She does,” Merlin insisted and picked Aithusa up, shoving her in Arthur’s direction. “Here. Hold her.”

“No way!” Arthur refused, folding his arms across his chest. “I value my life.”

“Stop whining and hold our baby!” Merlin ordered humorously, but the joke sent all the blood rushing to Arthur’s face.

Dumbstruck, he unfolded his arms and outstretched them on auto-pilot, taking Aithusa from Merlin as gingerly as possible. Tensing up, he waited with a bated breath for Aithusa to pounce the second he had a proper hold on her.

Incredulously, nothing happened.

“I told you!” Merlin exclaimed, proud and pleased.

Arthur squinted in suspicion, giving Aithusa a stink eye. “Uh-huh,” he grunted, sure Aithusa was just putting on a show for Merlin. Not that she could do anything that would make Merlin stop adoring her. He had such a soft spot for her that Arthur was almost positive she could murder him and Merlin would help her bury Arthur’s body.

“I need to go to the loo,” Merlin said and untangled his legs from under him, standing up. “Be good while I’m gone,” he added, smiling fondly and giving Aithusa’s head a scratch before he left.

The bathroom door had barely clicked shut behind him when Aithusa sank her teeth into Arthur’s hand.

“Aaah!” he screamed, dropping her in the process and frowning at the new, bright red marks above his thumb. “I fucking knew it. Bloody spawn of the Devil.”

He walked over to the kitchen sink and let cool water run over it, hissing at the sting. He sent a murderous glare in Aithusa’s direction, who was currently pawing at the closed bathroom door, meowing in demand that Merlin hurry the hell up.

“Where’s the fire?” Merlin asked with no heat as he emerged from the bathroom and picked Aithusa up. “Do you follow Arthur to the bathroom, too?”

Hell no, she didn’t. Thank God for that, too. Although, if she did, Arthur could take his revenge by shoving her in the bathtub and spraying her with water. Sure, she’d let Merlin wash her the day they’d found her, but that was probably because it had been Merlin who’d done that. Arthur wouldn’t be so lucky.

Arthur hadn’t told Merlin about this, but just two weeks ago, Aithusa had managed to fall in the toilet while ~~destroying~~ exploring the flat. Arthur had found her like that, soaked through and screaming to high heavens. He very, _very_ briefly entertained the idea of flushing the toilet in that moment. She most definitely wouldn’t fit through the plumbing, but a guy could dream, right? Except that wouldn’t do. Not only because Merlin would be utterly devastated, but because Arthur had, despite their toxic relationship, gotten used to living with someone. Even if that someone couldn’t stand him. Plus, Merlin had been spending most of his free time at Arthur’s place now. Arthur enjoyed it more than he should. More than was healthy.

So... yeah. He was willing and ready to put up with being bullied by a kitten if it meant spending more time with Merlin.

If he thought about it, it wasn’t all that bad. Despite her undisguised dislike for Arthur, Aithusa always sneaked into his bed when she thought Arthur was fast asleep, and slept at his feet. Arthur let her only because he was a decent human being. Not because his heart did a double-flip every time he realized the little shit wanted to be close to him. Nope, definitely not that.

Merlin stayed for another half hour, then started yawning uncontrollably, signaling it was time for him to go home. He bid them both good night, making them promise to be good and nice to each other. Arthur doubted that very much, but humored him anyway.

“Okay, listen, you little minx,” Arthur said grumpily, dropping into a squat in front of Aithusa where she was scratching at the fabric of the sofa and ruining the poor thing further. “We need to talk.” Naturally, he was ignored. “Hey!” he said impatiently, grabbing the furious kitten and holding her tight so she wouldn’t scratch his eyes out. “Calm down, for fuck’s sake!”

It took another minute or two before she actually lost some of the fight. “I don’t like you any more than you like me,” he began, forcing eye contact. "But we need to find the middle ground. For Merlin’s sake.” She stopped fidgeting at the mention of Merlin’s name, her interest suddenly piqued. “We don’t need to be best pals, but how about we try not to kill each other, yeah?”

If Arthur let his imagination run loose, he would swear Aithusa looked almost contemplating. Whether she was or not, she eventually relaxed in his hold, and sneezed.

_“Meow.”_

“Okay, good.” Arthur concluded, and dropped her on the floor, watching as she immediately took off. “I suppose that’s the best I can get.”

* * *

Things didn’t go completely smoothly, but they did get better. At least to a degree. Aithusa’s assassination attempts dropped to three per week, which Arthur considered a success. He even managed to get her to pose with him for a selfie to send Merlin, who was working a shift with George and thus needed a cheer-me-up.

Merlin texted back a few minutes later.

_Look at you! So cute! <3 :-*_

****She’s not cute**** , Arthur argued. ****She nearly scratched my eyes out.****

_I meant you ;)_

Arthur _did not_ blush.

His phone buzzed with another text.

_Jk :D_

Strangely, he felt something like disappointment settle heavily in his stomach.

 ** **I know that,**** he texted back, pouting. Merlin couldn’t see him anyway.

His phone vibrated again and his heart did a weird little somersault as he read it.

_You’re both cute xo_

He didn’t realize he’d been smiling dopily until he registered Aithusa’s judging glare.

“Shut up, you,” he sneered, pocketing his phone and turning the TV on.

He really needed to get a grip.

* * *

Arthur had what must have been a near death experience when his sister showed up on his doorstep a week later, unannounced, an aura of mischief glowing around her.

“What are you doing here?” Arthur demanded, not bothering to conceal how inconvenient he found it.

“What a heartwarming welcome,” Morgana replied mockingly. “A little birdie told me you have a roommate.”

“Uh,” Arthur choked out. He only barely held himself back from shooting a panicked look in Merlin’s direction, where he was lounging on the sofa and playing with Aithusa. “Merlin is not my roommate.”

Morgana’s brows shot up and her lips curled in a smirk. Arthur didn’t like it one bit. “I meant your little furry friend,” she corrected, and Arthur felt his stomach drop. “Thought I’d introduce myself. Might as well kill two birds with one stone, right?” she said, and without waiting for an answer she shouldered her way inside. It was just then that Arthur noticed she was carrying a bag in each hand.

“Well, hello, there. Aren’t you a cute one,” Morgana greeted in a sing-song voice, startling both Merlin and Aithusa.

“Morgana!” Arthur chastised, appalled by her lack of propriety.

“Chill, brother dear. I meant the cat.” She clarified with yet another smirk. “But you’re not too bad either,” she added suggestively, cocking her head towards Merlin who only laughed, head thrown back.

“Wow. A flatterer, aren’t you,” he joked and got up, taking Aithusa with him. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I was starting to think Arthur made you up,” he continued and outstretched his arms, offering Aithusa for a cuddle.

Not hesitating for even a second, Morgana dropped the bags and took the kitten from Merlin, cradling her between her palms like she was made from glass.

“Oh, my God,” she gasped. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” She all but squashed Aithusa to her chest. Arthur had definitely expected her to unleash all the hellfire on Morgana, but to his utter disbelief (and more than a little jealousy) she started bloody _purring._

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Arthur muttered under his breath, but loud enough for the two to hear him.

“What?” Morgana questioned, not really interested in the answer by the looks of it.

Merlin explained, laughing his ass off. “Arthur’s just jealous because Aithusa doesn’t like him.”

“I can understand that,” Morgana commented snarkily, rubbing the tip of her nose against the top of Aithusa’s head. They all ignored Arthur’s indignant “Hey!”

“So,” Morgana started, finally paying attention, but refusing to let go of her new friend. “You’re Merlin.” Merlin nodded unnecessarily. “Good to finally have a face to go with the name on the payroll.”

That much was true. Morgana had never bothered showing up at the cafe to actually meet up with Merlin. Painting and exhibitions took up most of her time. Then again, Arthur often wondered why she’d decided to open an independent business in the first place. But his sister was a freak of nature and Arthur had long ago given up on trying to figure her out.

He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or concerned that his sister and his friend seemed to get on swimmingly. Probably concerned.

Still, he let the two chat for a bit, busying himself with taking Morgana’s bags to inspect their contents. It turned out to be a month’s supply of cat food and toys.

“What the hell, Morgana?”

“What?”

“Are you expecting a nuclear war?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ll have you know this is the good stuff. One of the best, actually,” she explained proudly. “You’re welcome, you ungrateful shit. I have one more thing in the car, give me a sec.” She regretfully handed Aithusa back to Merlin, making her way back to her car.

Arthur briefly considered locking the door and not letting her in again, but it seemed Merlin was able to read his thoughts, glaring in disapproval.

Arthur sighed resignedly when Morgana reappeared only minutes later, carrying a big box.

“A cat tree?” Arthur questioned when he took a proper look.

“I knew you wouldn’t think to get her one,” she said smugly. Arthur scowled; she wasn’t wrong.

“That’s brilliant!” Merlin squealed in delight. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it either.”

“It’s going to take up a lot of space,” Arthur complained just for the sake of argument. “Does she really need it?”

“Yes, she does. Cats need to have some fun, too,” Morgana insisted. She pointed to the scratch marks on the sofa and the coffee table. “Maybe now she won’t have the need to ruin every single piece of furniture you own.”

Arthur flushed with embarrassment. “Maybe,” he admitted petulantly.

“Let’s put it up!” Merlin clasped his hands in excitement and helped Morgana unpack all the pieces that came in the box. Begrudgingly, Arthur joined them as well, unwilling to take any more judgmental glares from the two.

To his surprise, the whole thing was complete and standing in no time. He watched in disbelief as Aithusa made a beeline for the tree, climbing up and scratching on the way.

Morgana turned to him, infuriatingly smug.

“Shut up,” he grunted, dropping down on the sofa and crossing his arms. His scowl only deepened when Morgana and Merlin giggled at his reaction.

_Merlin, you traitor._

While he was sulking, Merlin and Morgana continued with their light-hearted chitchat, not paying Arthur any mind.

“I better go,” Merlin said some time later, smiling at Arthur softly.

“What?” Arthur asked. “Why?”

“You should spend some time with your sister,” he explained. “I don’t want to impose.”

Arthur snorted at his reasoning. “If anyone’s imposing, it’s me. I’m the third wheel here.”

“Technically, the fourth,” Merlin teased.

“Oi!”

“Just kidding! Seriously, though,” he said more solemnly. “You should spend some time together.”

The sole idea sent a wave of dread through Arthur. “You enjoy seeing me suffer, don’t you,” he said accusingly.

“You’re such a baby sometimes,” Merlin said exasperatedly, but Arthur detected the usual note of fondness.

“You don’t know my sister.”

“She seems nice.”

Arthur barked out a humorless laugh. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with.”

“I’ll let myself be surprised then,” Merlin shrugged, totally unbothered. He gave Arthur a wink, said goodbye to Aithusa and Morgana, and he was gone.

“It was Gwen, wasn’t it?” Arthur asked when it was just the two of them.

“Yes,” Morgana admitted, sitting down on the sofa next to him. Aithusa jumped into her lap, making herself comfortable. “She showed me the pictures.”

“What pictures?” Arthur hadn’t sent her any.

“The ones you keep sending Merlin.”

_Bloody Merlin, sharing my stupid selfies. He’s gonna pay._

“And you thought she doesn’t get fed properly?”

“Don’t be silly, Arthur. I just wanted to make a friend.”

“Aithusa, or Merlin?”

“Both,” she replied, waggling her eyebrows. “I’d say it went well.”

“Because you’re an enchantress who lulls everyone into your company and then sinks her teeth in them.”

“Yes,” she admitted with glee, “and they love it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And I thought you could use help of the good auntie Morgana.”

“What for?”

“Well, you’re going back to uni soon, right?” Arthur nodded. “You’ll need someone to babysit.”

Shit. Arthur hadn’t thought that far. It was true. Not only was he going back to uni, Merlin was starting the new job and wouldn’t be able to come over as often.

“She’s not a baby, she’s a cat. Cats are self-sufficient, she can manage on her own,” he argued even though the idea of leaving Aithusa on her own for long periods of time didn’t sit well with him.

“But she doesn’t have to be,” Morgana persisted. “And I could use the company,” she continued, softer. “Morgause has been working a lot lately, and I get lonely.”

Arthur frowned at the mention of his almost-sister-in-law. “Are you two okay?”

Morgause had never grown on him much. He didn’t dislike her, but he wasn’t fond of her either. Morgana seemed happy though, so he didn’t pry.

“Oh, we’re doing great,” she answered, and it sounded genuine. “But I’ve gotten used to having someone with me most of the time. It’s strange being alone, now.” She chuckled. “Funny coming from me, isn’t it?”

It was, actually. Morgana was the most independent person Arthur had ever known. She had been a social and vibrant kid. She’d changed a lot when she’d become a teenager and started hanging out with that terrible squad of hers. Arthur still shuddered at the memory of Cenred and Alvaar. He’d forgotten the rest.

But then Morgana had met Morgause, and suddenly the little girl was back, cheerful and full of life.

“Maybe a little,” he admitted quietly. “But that’s good. That you have someone you want to be with every minute of the day.”

The image of Merlin’s grinning face flashed in front of his eyes.

“I’m very lucky,” Morgana nodded her assent. “And very happy.” She gave Arthur a look he’d never seen on her before. “I want the same for you.”

“What?”

She licked her lips, fidgeting in her position. “There’s another reason why I’ve come.”

Arthur _so_ knew it.

“Okay?”

“Gwen and Elyan hinted at... something.” She pursed her lips, looking for the right word. “Apparently, there’s something going on with you, that you haven’t told me about. Which is not unusual,” she commented wistfully. “But I feel that this is important. Especially given how secretive they were about it. So I thought it best to ask in person.” She looked at Arthur then, eyes shining with something that made her look so much older than she was. “I know we’re not that close. But you’re my brother and I love you.”

Arthur swallowed heavily, clenching his fists at the unforeseen onslaught of emotion. This wasn’t like Morgana. This wasn’t like _Arthur and Morgana._

“You don’t have to tell me everything. You don’t have to tell me anything at all.” Her shoulders slumped. “But I wish you did. At least sometimes. At least the really important stuff.”

A mix of guilt and fondness swirled in Arthur’s gut. A full minute had passed before he made his decision.

“Okay,” he finally said. He knew it was the right choice to make when Morgana’s face brightened with gratitude. “I’ll tell you.”

* * *

Talking to Morgana was both incredibly difficult and unexpectedly easy. Difficult, because they’d never talked, not like this. Easy, because Arthur didn’t have to pretend to be something he was not. It wasn’t like he needed to impress Morgana, or do something he didn’t want to do to ensure he would remain in her good books.

There was silence when he finished telling her everything, like... _everything._ With a bated breath, he impatiently awaited her reaction.

Nothing could have prepared him for what came next.

“I’m so sorry, Arthur,” she said, crestfallen. “If I knew what you’ve been going through, I would have told you about myself.”

Frowning in confusion, Arthur asked, “Tell me what?”

Morgana took a deep breath, curling in on herself, and it was such a human, vulnerable thing to do that Arthur was thrown for a loop. Those were not things he associated with his sister.

“That I’m just like you.” Before Arthur had a chance to shake the shock off, Morgana went on. “I should explain.”

And she did. And the more she talked, the more Arthur saw himself reflected in her story.

“But...” he started, completely out of his depth. This didn’t make any sense. “You were always the life of the party,” he pointed out. “Hanging out, drinking.” He gave her an inquiring look. “Every week, you brought a different guy home.” He grimaced at the memories and Morgana mirrored it. “I don’t get it.”

“I did a lot of stuff I didn’t want to do,” she said regretfully. “I’m relieved that you managed to establish your boundaries before it went too far. That you didn’t make the same mistakes I did.”

Arthur wasn’t so sure about that.

Morgana thought for a moment and then simply said, “I was just desperate to be normal, you know?”

Yeah, he did.

“Yeah, I do,” he said out loud. “Why did you never tell me you felt this way?” _So I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone. So you wouldn’t either._

“I had no idea, Arthur,” she explained, truly apologetic. “Not for a long time. It wasn’t until I met Morgause that I finally understood.”

Arthur counted quickly in his head. Morgana had met her girlfriend just four years ago. When she was Arthur’s age.

“Because you fell in love with her?” he took a guess.

Morgana hesitated, then shook her head a little. “Not right away. It took time.” She chuckled. “A lot of time, actually. But she was always there, you know? Even when I didn’t know what was going on with me, even when I didn’t know who I was.”

“And what did you find out?”

“I found out that I was just like everybody else,” she replied, smiling sympathetically.

Arthur only grew more confused. “But-”

“We’re all looking for love, Arthur,” she interrupted, shuffling closer to him on the sofa. “Whether we admit it or not.” She inched her hand towards him, and Arthur let her curl her fingers around his wrist. “What does it matter if someone is able to feel or express that love physically? Love is love.”

Easy to say. That’s not how real life worked.

“But what if one person is able to feel and express it, _needs_ to express it, and the other is not? What then?”

Morgana contemplated him for a few seconds before leaning into his space and whispering. “What I’m about to say now will never leave this room,” she began, and Arthur wanted to point out she didn’t have to be so quiet. They were alone after all. “And if you so much as hint that I might have said this, _ever,_ I will deny it till the day I die, and then I’ll come back and haunt your sorry ass.”

Well, that sounded ominous. Arthur would laugh, but he suspected it wouldn’t be appreciated.

“Okay?”

“Someone out there is meant for you, Arthur,” she blurted at once and kept going. “There’s someone for everyone.” It was the sappiest thing Arthur had ever heard her say. “And if you believe it, just a little, you will find the one.”

A shiver ran down Arthur’s spine. He’d heard this before.

“Although,” she added, lips quirking, “if you want my humble opinion-”

“I don’t.”

“-I don’t think you’ll have to look far,” she finished, impervious of Arthur’s protest.

It took him a minute for the words to sink in, but when they did, he couldn’t think of anything to say to that.

The familiar image of sky blue eyes and toothy smile flashed in his mind.

He jumped a little when Morgana lifted a threatening finger in front of him, eyes narrowing into slits. “Not. A. Word.”

* * *

Arthur woke up with a gasp, his T-shirt clinging to him, sticky with sweat. His pajama pants were sticking to him, too. In one particular area, to be precise.

“Fuck me. Not again.” He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes, groaning louder. The bed dipped next to him and something furry brushed against his elbow. He peeked at the intruder with one eye, huffing in frustration.

“This is all your fault,” he accused. “If it weren’t for you, Merlin wouldn’t be practically living here.” _And I wouldn’t have wet dreams about him three times a week, for fuck’s sake!”_

 _“Meow,”_ Aithusa replied and Arthur could only scowl.

“Yeah, you think it’s funny, don’t you?”

_“Meow.”_

This was a disaster. What was he supposed to do now?

It’s been ages since Arthur had dreamed about anything even remotely erotic. And when he did, those dreams only starred faceless people, and occasionally some of his fictional crushes. And no matter what the dream was about; come morning, Arthur would feel under the weather, ashamed and kind of violated. It didn’t make sense, but that was the reality.

Well, that _used to be_ the reality.

When Arthur had dreamed about Merlin for the first time, about a week ago, he had indeed felt incredibly ashamed afterwards. Guilty, even. But also more than a little aroused. So aroused, in fact, that he had to take care of his little problem in the shower.

Which hadn’t been that unusual. Arthur wouldn’t go as far as to call his morning jerk off sessions a routine, they weren’t _that_ frequent. But he was a healthy (was he?) young man and orgasms worked wonders when he needed to relax.

What _was_ unusual was the fact that all those times he’d indulged himself, he’d never fantasied about anyone specific. Not since he’d grown out of his crush on Xena and Aragorn.

That being said, all his jerk offs that had taken place in the past week had one thing in common. Or rather one specific person.

_“Meow.”_

“Stop judging me, will you?!”

Muttering under his breath, Arthur got up from the bed to feed the little terrorist, then went to take a shower. Once in the bathroom, he brushed his teeth first, then shimmied out of his PJs, making a disgusted face. Those were definitely going to the washing machine.

He didn’t bother with a cold shower, he already knew it wouldn’t work - he had tried, okay?! With a resigned sigh, he took himself in hand, stroking up and down his length.

As expected, his mind conjured up Merlin’s face and Arthur felt himself harden in his hand, letting out a high-pitched gasp.

In his fantasy, it was Merlin’s hand instead of Arthur’s, stroking in the exact same way, but somehow it felt so much better. The Merlin in his mind pressed him against the cold tiles, peppering kisses all over Arthur’s neck and jaw, whispering praise and filth directly to his ear.

Arthur picked up the pace, moving his hips in tandem with his hand. In his mind, he saw Merlin smile, wide and a bit wicked, pupils blown black with desire for Arthur, before he claimed Arthur’s lips in a deep, wet kiss.

Arthur’s knees buckled as he spilled his release and he barely managed to stay upright.

He imagined himself letting go, imagined Merlin catching him in his waiting arms, pressing a kiss into Arthur’s hair, telling him how good he was, how lovely.

Arthur allowed himself a few more moments of bliss, then stumbled out of the bathtub on wobbly feet, checking the time to make sure he could squeeze a breakfast in.

He let out a long-suffering sigh.

Today was gonna be a long day.

* * *

When the dream had happened for the first time, Arthur had panicked for more reasons than the obvious one. One of those reasons being that he hadn’t known how he’d react to being around Merlin. Would he keep staring at Merlin? Would he blush and stutter every time he attempted to say something? Would he get inappropriate boners? Would he have to hold himself back from getting handsy with Merlin, from touching him every chance he got? Would he see Merlin in a different light?

Arthur had expected a lot.

However, he hadn’t expected feeling nothing out of ordinary.

Merlin had already switched the alarm off and turned the coffee machine on by the time Arthur arrived to the cafe. He gave Arthur his usual, bright smile, and Arthur felt... as he always did. No butterflies, no sweaty palms. Just warmth. Just happy that Merlin was his friend, that he remained his friend even after all Arthur had done to him. Nothing had changed.

Except everything had changed.

* * *

“You’re very quiet,” Merlin said, looking up from where he was sitting on the floor, rubbing Aithusa’s belly. Arthur had been silently watching the scene from the sofa, a small smile playing on his lips. “Is everything okay?”

Was everything okay? Arthur wasn’t sure. The past couple of weeks had been so fucking confusing, he didn’t know what to do with himself.

But confusion didn’t necessarily mean that things were bad.

Because they weren’t. Things were great, actually. His friends were great. His sister was... okay. Merlin was great. Aithusa was... tolerable.

Arthur was great. He was happy.

God, he was so, incredibly happy.

“I’ve been thinking,” he replied instead, eyes cast downward.

“Yeah?” Merlin prompted. “Gonna elaborate?”

He should, shouldn’t he?

“I think I might be in love with you.”

In his shock, Merlin accidentally dug his fingers into Aithusa’s belly, causing her to screech loudly in complaint before she shot up and ran away.

“Excuse me?” Merlin yelped, staring at Arthur as though he’d grown a second head.

“I think I might–”

“I heard you!” Merlin interrupted, scrambling up until he was on his feet, looking down at Arthur with wide, scared eyes.

“Well–”

“Why would you say that?” he demanded, his expression souring.

“Because... I thought you should know?” _And because it’s been killing me, feeling the way I feel and having no idea what it means._

Merlin rubbed at his eyes with one hand, the other curling into a fist. “We’ve been over this, Arthur.”

Arthur frowned. They hadn’t talked about that, Arthur would remember. They had never entertained the possibility of Arthur’s feelings developing into something else. “You’ll have to refresh my memory, ‘cause I don’t remember that conversation.”

“I told you my feelings are not your responsibility,” Merlin said automatically, as if he’d been constantly telling himself the same thing. “I told you I don’t expect anything from you.”

What did that have to do with anything? “Yeah, I know. So?”

“So why do you keep pushing yourself?” Merlin asked. He bit his lip, suddenly nervous and unsure. “Have I done something to make you feel like I expect–”

“What? No!” Arthur cut him off, straightening up on the sofa. “Jesus, Merlin, that’s not– I meant it! I’m probably in love with you.”

Merlin snorted humorlessly. “That sounds convincing.”

“Give me a break, will you?” Arthur grunted. “I’ve never been in love, I don’t know what it feels like. And it’s confusing.”

Gaze softening, Merlin took a step closer. “Confusing how?”

Where should Arthur start? There was so much he didn’t understand.

“You know what other people say, right?” he asked instead. “Having butterflies in you stomach whenever you’re near that person? Or your heart beating like crazy when you’re close? Or that you can’t help but want to touch them all the time?”

Merlin started breathing a little faster, a little louder. “Y-yeah,” he stuttered. “You– Do you feel that? About me?”

The hope in his voice nearly did Arthur in.

“Um... no,” he replied guiltily.

“Oh.”

Arthur felt that like a knife in his back.

“That’s it though!” he rushed to add. He couldn’t leave it like this, not after giving Merlin hope. “It’s nothing like what other people say. But I also know I’ve never felt like this before. About anyone.”

“How?” Merlin asked, still dubious, still guarded.

Arthur shook his head, huffing in frustration. “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I just know you’re my favorite person in the world.”

Merlin’s gaze softened further, but it was replaced with a solemn expression. “Arthur. I know you mean well,” Merlin began, voice pained and a little remorseful. “I know you’re doing this, saying this, to make me feel better. But you don’t have to. I’m happy the way–”

 _Oh, for fuck’s sake._ “You’re not listening!” Arthur yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

Merlin ignored him. “I think you’re trying to convince yourself that what you’re feeling is love, romantic love. I don’t won’t you to lie to yourself, Arthur. And definitely not to me.”

“I’m not lying! I’m telling the truth!”

“Arthur-”

“Okay, fine, so I don’t have butterflies when I see you, so what?” he spat out, standing up as well. “Seeing you is still the best part of my day. Whenever I’m working and you’re not, I’m praying that I’ll come home and you’ll be here, with Aithusa. And when my phone vibrates with a text, or a call, I hope it’s from you. And when it’s not, I can feel this... this...” He swept his hand up and down in front of himself. “Sinking feeling in my stomach. Because I always want to talk to you.”

He noticed Merlin’s carefully established collectedness started to crumble and he jumped at the opportunity. “When something good or bad happens, you’re the first person I want to tell. And I love cooking for you. And I talk about you all the time. I didn’t realize at first, not until Elyan and Gwen pointed it out.” He blushed a little at the latter.

“Huh?”

Pushing through his embarrassment, he continued. “Apparently, I’ve been driving them a bit mental with my babbling. I’ve been telling them about Aithusa, but it turns out that when I tell those stories, I talk more about you than her.”

“ _Meow.”_

“Sorry,” Arthur apologized sheepishly when Aithusa manifested on the sofa, presumably upon hearing her name.

“You do?” Merlin asked, sounding hopeful again. _Good._

“I know I’m not making much sense.” Arthur knew he probably sounded like he was talking gibberish. But he had never been good with words. That was Merlin’s thing. “And to be completely honest, I don’t even care if I’m in love. I just know it feels right. I know I want to feel like this every day, for the rest of my life. Being around you, being _with_ you, it feels good. Not only because of how I feel about you, but because I like _myself_ when I’m with you.” He gave Merlin the most sincere smile he could muster. “You make me a better person.”

When he finally dared a look at Merlin, he was greeted with a shy, crooked smile and tears glistening in the corners of Merlin’s eyes.

“You make me better, too, Arthur.”

A heavy weight was lifted off Arthur’s shoulders. Feeling brave all of sudden, he started closing the distance between them. “Merlin?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to kiss you,” he said simply, more confident than he felt. “I want to try.”

Merlin frowned and Arthur’s heart sank. “Arthur...”

“Please,” he begged. “Just once. And if it doesn’t–” He swallowed with difficulty. “If I don’t– I will never ask again. I promise.”

He knew he was asking a lot. He knew that Merlin was scared. He had every right to be, after all that’d happened between them. He had no reason to trust Arthur.

Arthur knew it probably wasn’t longer than a few seconds before Merlin answered, but it felt like eternity. “Okay.”

Arthur’s knees nearly gave out with relief. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Merlin was still hesitant, but it was the best Arthur could get, so he took it.

Before he could start doubting himself again, he took the few last steps towards Merlin, until they nearly shared the same breath.

God, he hoped this would work. Because he didn’t know what he’d do if it didn’t.

Tentatively, he put his trembling hands on Merlin’s tense shoulders, getting him used to Arthur’s touch. They had hugged before, but they’d never touched like this. This was as new and uncharted to Merlin as it was to Arthur. And Arthur wanted to treat Merlin with the same patience and compassion Merlin had exercised with him.

Slowly, gently, his hands inched their way up, over Merlin’s neck, and Arthur could feel Merlin’s erratic pulse against his fingers.

Merlin was just as nervous as Arthur.

He sank his fingers into Merlin’s hair, finding it softer than he’d imagined, and cupped Merlin’s face between his palms. He brushed his thumbs over the raised edges of Merlin’s cheekbones and a hot coil of affection settled in his chest.

With a shaky smile and a look that he hoped spoke volumes, he pulled Merlin closer while leaning forward at the same time. And then, their lips touched, and Arthur closed his eyes shut, feeling Merlin gasp against him.

It was just as Arthur remembered.

And it was nothing like that at all.

His eyes snapped opened and he pulled away, still cradling Merlin’s face between his hands.

“Arthur?” Merlin said in a whisper, his anxiety rising as he took in Arthur’s wide eyes and parted lips.

“Fuck,” was all Arthur managed before he pressed their lips together again, surer this time, and maybe a little greedy.

“Hmpf,”Merlin huffed into the kiss. “Arth–” Kiss. “What ar–” Kiss. “Doin–”

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur ordered when he came up for a proper breath. “You gonna kiss back or what?” He didn’t wait for a reply before he dove in again, prompting Merlin to part his lips so he could deepen the kiss.

Merlin answered in his own way, letting out a low moan and wrapping Arthur in his arms, pulling him to his chest. He let Arthur do as he saw fit, giving up control. Now that he had given permission, Arthur allowed all his carefully hidden emotions flow through, telling Merlin with kisses instead of words.

Merlin had never needed words to understand him anyway. And he didn’t need them now either.

“Oh, my God,” Arthur said with awe when he came up for air. “I’ve never– This has never–” He laughed, a bit manic and so incredibly happy. He didn’t realize he’d started crying until Merlin was wiping tears away from his cheeks.

“Arthur?” he tried. “Hey, Arthur, what’s wrong?” He started panicking when Arthur didn’t speak, and that just wouldn’t do.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Arthur replied, laughing some more, confusing Merlin further. In lieu of explanation, he stole another kiss. “Nothing at all.”

* * *

Merlin stayed for dinner, as he usually did, watching Arthur cook while Aithusa snored in his lap.

Arthur took two plates to the sofa, handing one to Merlin and putting his on the table, so he could free his hands. He slid one hand in Merlin’s hair (it was so damn soft) and bent down for a kiss.

Merlin blinked up at him, surprised, eyes glazed over. “What was that for?”

“No reason,” Arthur answered, pecking him on the lips again. “I wanted to see if it still worked.”

Merlin’s eyes twinkled and Arthur could tell he was fighting a dopey smile. “Does it?”

Arthur just kissed him again.

* * *

Merlin hadn’t spent the night, but he appeared on Arthur’s doorstep in the morning. He barely managed a simple hi before Arthur was on him, kissing him good morning.

Merlin giggled as they pulled apart, cheeks flushed and breath coming a little faster. “Still working, then?”

“Getting better and better,” Arthur replied with wonder, wrapping Merlin in a hug.

“Good.”

* * *

“What does it feel like when you kiss Lance?” Arthur asked Gwen during their next shift together.

Gwen almost dropped the glass she was polishing. “What?”

“Just humor me.” He waved a hand dismissively.

Realizing there was no point asking what it was about, Gwen replied, “Well, it feels... good.”

“Really, Gwen?” Arthur snorted.

“Well, what do you want me to say? That it’s spectacular? The best feeling in the world? That the world falls away and nothing exists in that moment?”

Arthur lifted an eyebrow, intrigued and blushing a little. “Go on.”

Gwen sighed dreamily, spacing out. “It’s like... like I’m lifted three feet off the ground and I could just float away if he wasn’t holding me. It’s goosebumps, and labored breathing, and fireworks, and...” She hid her face in her palms. “Gosh, it’s just hard to stay away, you know? I always wanna kiss him, I always wanna touch him. And when we’re kissing, it’s almost impossible to stop.” She looked at Arthur inquiringly. “Arthur, why are you asking?”

There was no point holding back now, so Arthur didn’t. “I kissed Merlin.”

“I know.”

“No, I mean I kissed him again,” he specified. “Yesterday.”

“Oh, my God!” Gwen covered her mouth, but it was no use. The squeal she made still carried through the shop. “And... willingly?”

“Of course willingly, Gwen!” Arthur all but shrieked in horror. “Merlin wouldn’t-- It was my idea,” he said slowly, pointedly. “I think I’m in love with him. And I wanted to see if something’s changed.”

Gwen’s eyes widened and she looked unsure. “Has it?”

Arthur knew he was smiling like an idiot. “Yeah.”

Gwen suddenly lit up and leaned closer, whispering conspiratorially. “So how was it?”

“Nothing like you described,” Arthur clarified. “I don’t feel a constant urge to jump his bones. Or snog the living daylights out of him. I wasn’t floating and I could’ve pulled away if I wanted.”

Gwen hesitated again. “But it was good?”

“Yeah,” he said bashfully. “Really, really good.”

“Tell.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Just try. I won’t judge.”

“It felt like...” He looked for the right words. “Falling into bed after an exhausting day at work. Like wrapping yourself in a blanket with a mug of hot cocoa and watching a stupid Hallmark movie while it’s freezing balls outside. It felt like... like...”

“It felt like coming home,” Gwen finished for him.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Yeah, like that.” He peered at Gwen pleadingly. “What does that mean?”

Gwen took one of his hands between hers, squeezing comfortingly. “It means exactly that, Arthur.”

* * *

“I had a sex dream about you,” Arthur said out of the blue about a week later.

Merlin choked on thin air.

“You had, uh-”

“A sex dream about you.”

“You _had_ to repeat the whole thing, didn’t you?,” Merlin huffed, shaking his head fondly. There was a lovely blush on his cheeks, and his neck. Arthur wondered how far it went. “Um, why are you telling me?”

“I want to try it.”

“You... want to have sex,” Merlin said carefully, as though he was trying the words out. “With me.”

“Preferably.”

“Haha, very funny.” He slapped Arthur’s arm playfully. “Don’t you think it’s a bit too soon?”

Now, that was funny, Arthur thought. “What, like I haven’t been blue-balling you since we met.”

“Arthur!”

“I’m not saying we should do it now,” Arthur explained tiredly. “I just wanted to put it out there. To let you know that I’m open to that possibility.”

Merlin regarded him for a while, weighing Arthur’s words. “Okay.” He nodded. “Duly noted.”

“Okay.”

“Just for the record,” he said, clearing his throat. “How was-- How did you feel? In the dream.”

Arthur averted his gaze, suddenly shy. “Um... I... didn’t protest. At all.”

“Oh. Okay,” Merlin mumbled, obviously trying to hold back his glee. “Good to know.”

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur scowled. He didn’t mean to stroke Merlin’s ego. He just wanted to be honest.

“You have to know, though, that dreams don’t always reflect reality,” Merlin continued more seriously. “In fact, they rarely do. I don’t want you to think that just because you liked it then, you will like it when we actually do it. I don’t want you to feel obligated to follow through if you don’t.”

Arthur’s heart swelled with affection, almost too big for his chest.

“I know,” he said fondly and reached out to give Merlin a kiss, just to make sure Merlin knew, too.

* * *

Arthur didn’t mean to rush into anything, not when he saw how hesitant Merlin was about taking their relationship to the next level. But sometimes, things take their own direction.

Arthur was having a really good day. Lately, every day had been good, really. But it was Saturday and everyone had gathered at Arthur’s place for the next Gilmore Girls marathon (it wasn’t Arthur’s turn, but everyone wanted to play with Aithusa).

Arthur had told his friends about the new development in his and Merlin’s relationship, and to his utter surprise (and delight) they had taken it in stride. If Arthur thought about it, maybe it had been waaay too easy. If he thought about it, maybe there was a chance that bets had been placed on him and Merlin getting together. But he’d rather not think about that. He had a feeling it would upset him.

Either way, he was just so incredibly relieved that everything was out in the open. No more hiding, no more lies, and no more self-hate. Arthur was happy, and he had it all. He could scarcely believe how lucky he was. It had been a wild ride, a difficult one, but he’d done it. He’d found where he belonged.

He watched another episode with Merlin even after everyone else had gone. Arthur was high on serotonin (and possibly high on love as well, but that was too sappy to admit to), sitting on the sofa with Merlin, Merlin’s arm curled around Arthur’s shoulders possessively. It was impossible to not soak up Merlin’s warmth and his intoxicating scent, and before he knew what he was doing, he was pressing his nose into the crook of Merlin’s neck, smiling against his skin.

He didn’t mean for anything to happen, not really, but Merlin’s breath hitched and he turned his head to find Arthur’s lips with his own. It was just a simple, and rather chaste, make-out session, but then one of them moaned, and the other followed suit. And then there were hands, fingers tangled in hair, mouths sliding over sweaty skin.

Merlin’s hands were under Arthur’s shirt, and Arthur was in Merlin’s lap. Between one blink and the next, Arthur’s shirt was nowhere to be found and Merlin’s mouth was sucking bruises into his collarbone.

Seconds later, Merlin’s shirt disappeared as well, and Arthur paid Merlin the same attention he had received.

Another few minutes had passed, and then their jeans were undone, their fingers curled around each other’s lengths, and Arthur was helpless to do anything but hold on for dear life. He clung to Merlin for all he was worth, and Merlin hugged him so tight Arthur could barely breathe. Breathing was over-exaggerated anyway.

Arthur gasped Merlin’s name like a prayer when he spilled over Merlin’s hand, and Merlin followed soon after, Arthur’s name on his lips as he added to the mess between them.

“This was not how I imagined it,” Merlin confessed with humor, lapping at the sweat that pooled at the hollow of Arthur’s clavicle.

“Neither did I,” Arthur admitted, pressing his nose into Merlin’s silky hair. “But nothing about us has been conventional, so why should sex be?”

“Good point,” Merlin hummed in agreement. He lifted his head in favor of locking his eyes with Arthur’s. “It was wonderful.” He smiled sweetly and Arthur returned it. “But I’ll have you know that I’m planning on ravaging you thoroughly next time,” he said darkly.

Arthur’s eyes widened, his heart skipping a beat, and he watched Merlin’s face fall.

“I mean... if that’s okay with you?”

God, how did Arthur deserve someone like Merlin?

“That sounds agreeable. I have a condition, though,” Arthur said ominously, smirking at Merlin’s dumbstruck expression.

“Yeah?”

“I’ll get to return the favor.”

Merlin’s laugh was all the answer Arthur needed.

* * *

Arthur should have known that confessing to his friends would mean having to suffer through their interrogation. Gwaine’s interrogation, to be precise.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking-”

“I do mind.”

“-how many times have you got up to some funny business, then?”

Rolling his eyes, Arthur humored him. Better get this over with as fast as possible. “Including the first time?”

“Yeah.”

“Three.”

“What?!” Gwaine squeaked. “You’ve been together, I mean _together,_ for three weeks!”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware there was a schedule for me to follow,” Arthur shot back sarcastically.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know what you meant. You were under the impression we would fuck like rabbits.” Not just Gwaine, everyone else, too.

Gwaine shrugged, not denying the statement. “Well, yeah. Given how much time you’ve got to make up for.”

“That’s not how it works,” Arthur insisted. “Not for me anyway.” He took a swig of his beer. No way was he having this conversation without a traceable amount of alcohol in his system. “We did it again the morning after the first time. I was curious whether I’d still be interested.”

“Were you?”

Arthur ducked his head, smiling crookedly. “Yeah.”

“Okay, and the third time?”

“Two days ago.”

“Still good?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So why did it take you such a long time to do it again?” Percy inquired. It was a legitimate question.

“Waiting for the right time, I suppose,” Arthur shrugged. He still struggled trying to explain some things. Especially the ones that were new to him as well. “I’m not always in the mood. I rarely am, actually. For sex, I mean. We keep touching each other, kissing, holding hands. It’s nice. I like it. I don’t feel compelled to take it further most of the time. And there hasn’t been much time either. Not with Merlin starting as a TA and me starting another year at uni.”

“And Merlin doesn’t expect you to... you know... perform on regular basis?” Leon asked, choosing his wording carefully.

“I was worried about that at first,” Arthur admitted. “I tried to initiate something when I didn’t feel like it. Merlin noticed, of course.” He winced at the memory. “He wasn’t happy about it. Gave me the third degree.” And Arthur deserved it, too. He had promised Merlin to always be honest with him. Evidently, it was harder that he had anticipated. “I should’ve known better. He’s been telling me not to push myself ever since we became friends.”

Elyan nodded his approval. “He sounds like the perfect guy for you.”

“He is.”

“I’m happy for you, Arthur,” he said genuinely. “We all are. You deserve it.”

“Thank you,” Arthur replied, grateful beyond measure. Things were not perfect, but he couldn’t wish for more. “I know we’ve been at odds in the past months, but I want you to know that I’m grateful to have you in my life. All of you.”

“I’m sorry we’ve been such dicks about this,” Leon said shamefully. “You needed us and we just made it worse.”

“Yeah, but I feel like it had to get worse to get better.”

“Silver linings, huh?”

“Exactly. Let’s face it,” Arthur started, offering an olive branch. “If you didn’t force me to go to that club, I wouldn’t have met Merlin.”

“That’s right!” Gwaine slammed his hand on the table. “We’re ultimate matchmakers without being aware of it.”

“Sure, take all the credit. Figures.”

“Technically, it was my idea, so I expect a fruit basket soon. And!” He exclaimed theatrically. “I expect to be your best man when the time comes.”

A feeling of dread washed over Arthur.

“Over my dead body.”

* * *

“I can’t believe you’re it,” Arthur said one night as he was falling asleep in Merlin’s arms. They had been trying to spend as much time together as possible. Which wasn’t much, anyway. Not with Arthur going back to uni and Merlin starting the new job. Which also meant Merlin couldn’t work at the cafe anymore. He had offered to do weekends if needed, but Arthur didn’t want to push him. Settling into his new job was draining enough and Merlin needed his rest.

“I’m what?”

“My person,” Arthur explained. “My missing piece.”

“Missing piece?”

He burrowed his face in Merlin’s chest to hide his blush. He’d turned into such a sap ever since he and Merlin had become a thing.

“I’d been looking for you even before I knew you. Before I knew that there was something missing.”

“You don’t need me, Arthur,” Merlin disagreed, running his hand up and down Arthur’s arm. “I’ve told you before; you’re enough the way you are.”

“Because you helped me find myself,” Arthur argued. “You make me better, Merlin. Even if I didn’t need you, I’d still want you.”

Arthur felt a whimper vibrate in Merlin’s chest. “You have me.”

“I’m getting us matching T-shirts,” Arthur said, hoping to cut through the heaviness he’d created. “To make sure everybody knows.”

“Possessive, are we?” Merlin teased affectionately.

“Shush.” Arthur covered Merlin’s mouth with his palm. “Aithusa will be the main part of the design,” he carried on. “Since she’s technically our baby.”

“That sounds like something Freya would say.”

“She _has._ ”

“Right,” Merlin chuckled. “She was just taking the piss.”

“She wasn’t wrong.”

“I suppose not.”

“You know,” Arthur started reluctantly, “family usually live together.”

“Okay?”

“Don’t play dumb, Merlin,” Arthur scolded, unimpressed. “It doesn’t suit you.”

“Are you saying we should move in together?”

As expected, Merlin didn’t sound all that surprised.

“I don’t care if we should, but I know I’d like to. I mean, you practically live here, anyway. You have a key to the flat, you’re always here when I come home from work or uni. I already cook for two and the fridge is stocked up with the stuff you like. And I thought about Aithusa and your allergy, too. I don’t think it would be that difficult. She already knows not to jump on counters and tables. The only thing that would change is that she wouldn’t be able to sleep in the room with us. The hair would get on the bed and-- Why are you laughing?”

Merlin propped a finger under Arthur’s chin, making him look up so he could kiss him square on the mouth.

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you.”

Arthur hoped the darkness of the room was enough to hide his flushed face. “Just a little.”

“Yeah, I can see that. You’re very sweet.”

“Shut up, Merlin,” Arthur complained, earning a giggle.

“Don’t you want to hear my answer then?”

“Depends what the answers is.”

“I think it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

“I think you need to be a bit more expressive–”

Merlin kissed him again, just to shut him up. It worked.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Nervous AF about posting this. It's very personal to me and, on top of that, the scale of demisexuality/asexuality (hell, all sexualities) is so vast you can never sum it up and put it in a box. This is purely my POV on demisexuality.


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